A group of prospective students and their parents left Florida State University this afternoon extremely upset after walking around campus for three hours without seeing any shootings or police chases. “I mean what’s the point of coming all the way to Tallahassee if I don’t even get to hear one gun go off” said high school senior Jake Phillips.
FSU student and tour leader Jessica Davis did everything she could think of to try and get her group to see some violence and excitement. “We walked around the edges of campus for a while and nothing happened. I even took them to the McDonald’s on Tennessee St to just sit and wait until someone tried to rob it but no one ever did.”
Parents of the prospective students were noticeably annoyed with the university after their experience. “Listen, if I’m sending my baby girl off to a major university, I want to make sure it’s in a state where people are allowed to carry a gun on campus and legally shoot anyone that looks at you weird. I thought FSU would be that place but after today I’m not so sure anymore.” said a concerned mom while drinking out of her Rick Scott 2014 coffee mug.
FSU administration has reached out to those affected by the relative peace and quiet on campus today and assured those concerned that this is not always the case. “I know people only come to Tallahassee to see gun violence and shoddy police work.” expressed interim President Garnett Stokes. “We’re doing everything in our power to continue that tradition”.