Recent high school grad Colby Jones has spent all summer preparing for his new life at FSU. He bought the latest Florida Georgia Line album, signed a few petitions against the new logo, and spent weeks on FSUacb memorizing the tiers of every fraternity and sorority. But there’s one thing he’s still worried about: will his 36-pack of condoms be enough?
“I didn’t have much luck with girls in high school. I mean, I got like two and a half hand jobs and that was it” Colby says while carefully packing away his three Fight Club posters. “But I know since this is college it will be so easy. I bought the 36-pack months ago but then I saw Neighbors and 22 Jump Street and now I’m thinking I should have gone with the 72-pack.”
Right now Colby’s strategy is to try to get through on just the 36 condoms until financial aid drops, and then use his Bright Futures money to get him through the rest of the semester. “It’s risky, I know” Colby says, “but if I’m careful and very selective, I think I can make it through.”
Interim president Garnett Stokes heard about Colby’s dilemma and responded in a statement by saying “While I applaud Colby’s efforts to practice safe sex, I think it is highly presumptuous of him to think he will find 36 girls who want to bone him despite the fact he is planning to major in computer science and looks like Drake Bell’s chubby cousin.”
Nevertheless, Colby seems determined to make all of his fantasies come true. “I’m living the dream right now. I’m about to go to college, the only place in the world where every guy can have as much sex as he wants without any consequence. I can’t wait to start.”