Beloved FSU Quarterback Jameis Winston was cited by the TPD for allegedly stealing crab legs this past Tuesday. Winston claims the act was consensual between him and Publix.
Fans are obviously distraught over the incident. Despite the heavy downpour of rain covering Tallahassee, many have taken to the Publix parking lot to protest and shame the accusers of Mr. Winston.
“There is honestly no fucking way he did it,” said one fan with his shirt off and a Free Jaboo slogan painted across his chest, “Jameis doesn’t need to steal crab legs. He can get crabs anytime he damn wants to. Any crab would be lucky to go home with Jameis. Why would he need to steal some?”
This incident marks the latest in a string of run-ins that Winston has had with the law. According to a statement released by the TPD, “There is not enough evidence at this time to suggest the need to continue investigating at this point. We’ve decided the best course of action is to wait about a year and then see what we can find.”
Winston, who went out shopping with his current teammate and all around great human being, Chris Casher, says that the accusing Publix employees were, “more than willing” to gift him with the crab legs and that Casher even has video of it on his phone. Unfortunately for Winston’s defense, Casher plans to delete the video in about a week which will be about six weeks before the Tallahassee Police ask for it.
As of noon on Wednesday, Publix employees are already being called “sluts” and being humiliated on social media sites. Many completely sane fans are also claiming that Publix has ties to the University of Florida and this is all an elaborate set up to ruin Florida State.
“Someone told me that one of the Publix employees has a sister that goes to UF,” said one flustered FSU fan, “so tell me why exactly should I trust these sons of bitches?”
It has been confirmed by multiple sources that a Publix employee sought out counseling for a prior incident regarding Mr. Winston. The counselor has said that her patient witnessed Mr. Winston pick up an apple from the fruit section, lick it, then put it back. While no crime was committed, the episode definitely sheds some light on how Mr. Winston operates.
(Photo courtesy of Melina Vastola)