Florida State University students have been in a frenzy this week after the university issued a mandatory password change for every student and faculty member in response to a potential security breach. The new password is required to be at least 7 characters long and can’t be any word from the dictionary or one of Jameis Winston’s post game speeches. But one student, sophomore Nate Holmes, is refusing to cave in.
“Everyone around me is like ‘oh no what am I gonna do? I can’t think of a new password’ But I’m just like, my password will be whatever I want it to be. If The Man wants me to change my password, I’m not changing it.” Nate says. “I like to think of myself as a young Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson in that I am the biggest bad ass on campus. I break ALL the rules. At Suwannee you’re only allowed two sugar cookies at a time but sometimes, when nobody’s looking, I’ll take three.” Note: Nate has also publically smoked not one, but four cigarettes on campus since smoke free campus started.
Nate’s complete disregard for any rules has given him a certain level of celebrity amongst many younger students on campus. “I want to be just like Nate when I grow up” says freshman Katie Snickers. “No one else on this campus has the balls to do half the stuff he does. I mean, not changing your password? How crazy do you have to be to do that?”
In response to Nate’s actions, Florida State University has released a statement detailing what the consequences will be for anyone who refuses to change their passwords. “All students have 24 hours to change their blackboard password, and if you don’t then your blackboard ID will change into your original AIM screen name from middle school. So Nate, previously nmh12b, will now be known as NASCAR_fan93. We believe it is in your best interest to not follow his lead. We’re looking at you, Mrsbrodyjenner07. Payback’s a bitch.”
“Here at FSU we take internet security very seriously” said a high-ranking FSU official who wished to remain anonymous but sounded a lot like Garnett Stokes. “We may not take other things seriously like academics or sexual assault allegations, but when it comes to internet security and efficiency we’re pretty much the best.”