Waffle House Employee Knows Patron Better Than Their Own Mother


After a long night of enjoying some wholesome, under-funded theater on campus, there’s no better release than strolling into your friendly neighborhood Waffle House. With lighting perfect for seeing every pore on your face, the value almost too good to be true and service that can put Chick-fil-a workers to shame, Waffle House employees are able to connect with drunken diners and truly see them for the people they are; even more so than their own mothers.

“The amount of drunk stupidity I’ve word-vomited at helpless Waffle House employees throughout my six-year stint here in beautiful Tallahassee, Florida is borderline criminal. When I saunter in following an evening of extreme debauchery, there’s no one I’d rather unload on than my girl Deloris as she whips me up my favorite All-Star Special just how I like it - edible, cheap and right in front of me,” said loyal patron Joffrey Cialda as he funneled down a third serving of hash browns. “The personal connection you make when sitting 7-feet from any point in the kitchen heightens the camaraderie we all share as we collectively wonder how we've ended up in this exact same place in this lifetime together. I haven’t called my mom since the semester started, but this is the third time I’ve unloaded on the Waffle House workers this week and we haven’t even made it to talking about my dad yet.”

“I’ve done everything to try and get her to talk to me. Maybe I can’t smother a breakfast bread in chili cheese, but I gave birth to her so that should count for something, shouldn’t it?” said Chialda’s mom to her very own Waffle House waitress, sweet angel, Belinda. “Her grades have improved, her demeanor has changed and I think her insurance premium has gone down. I’m honestly bitter and jealous as fuck. Is there really nothing that the good people of Waffle House can’t do? Oh, wait. I know. Literally everything else. Please eat a vegetable.” 

The servers at Waffle House are the mothers you always wanted, the friends you’ve always needed and the guidance you didn’t know you were missing. Maybe it’s the sheer intelligence that is awoken during a 2 a.m. shift, or maybe it’s just the fact that you’ve never set foot in there without being in a drunken stupor, but the employees at Waffle House have truly achieved a new level of maternal wisdom. It’s starting to feel a lot like a Waffle Home here, am I right? Go ahead and write “please adopt me” on your receipt, just don’t tell mom.

The Eggplant FSU