AMC Movie Theater Construction Just the Next Phase of Stadium Center

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Whether you’re trying to buy intravenous drugs or meet some friendly local prostitutes, the Centre of Tallahassee is your one-stop-shop. The creepy, horrible mall where the nice AMC theater has a name, and it’s the Centre of Tallahassee. Plus, it shines brighter than the Capitol building could ever dream of. Lately, you may have noticed that the ghosts of the two mall owners that run that joint have completely given up and are doing some massive construction by their only viable storefront: the AMC ticket screens that don’t work. There’s a silver lining to this construction, however. They’re tearing down the whole mall to put up the next phase of Stadium Center!

“It’s kind of sad that once this theater gets taken over to become a poorly-constructed pile of wet plywood, the only cool attraction around here will be the Hooters with the “t” light burnt out. Alas, someone has to be here to charge $15 to see a matinee of “Good Boys” before this whole place gets leveled to become a complex where students will pay $1500 to watch “Good Boys” on their disgusting couch,” said sole-remaining AMC employee Sofia Collins while using her grubby, buttered fingers to refill that little bowl of plastic containers of jalapenos that are totally free and basically unlimited if you think about it. “Now everyone is going to go to the movie theater over by Costco. It’s so far away, but I’ve heard it’s really nice. I haven’t been on account of not being allowed to leave premises as the only living person within a 10-mile radius.

“We know everyone is really going to miss flooring it out of here once the sun goes down to dodge the teenagers who smoke weed outside the Guitar Center, but it’s time to say goodbye to one of Tallahassee’s ookiest, spookiest, babadookiest corners, and time to say howdy to over-priced student living,” said Stadium Center developer Mark Howser, while grabbing a scoop from the place that is still technically a Cold Stone Creamery. “I think the worst part is going to be tearing down the free-standing poster of Keyboard Cat who I’ve just been informed passed away. God, may his spirit haunt this apartment complex until the end of time. Or whenever one strong rainstorm disintegrates the internal structure of this entire place in 20 minutes. Whichever comes first!”

Everyone go grab your ticket to “A Goofy Movie” or whatever is still showing over at the AMC before it becomes the sexy new Stadium Center: Hellscape. Parking will be terrible, a $300 cleaning fee to remove the smell of popcorn will be charged at move-in, and all your neighbors will be in a frat. So, sign your lease fast!

The Eggplant FSU