Recess Rounds of Drinks Bring New Meaning to “Flu Shots”

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Our mothers, doctors and teachers all warned us! They wagged their fingers and lectured all the while about the quickly approaching flu season. Even the four Emily’s from ENC2135, riddled with wicked coughs, contagious chills and without a right to be in public served as ghastly omens. Though some infected students are quick to snap that they “even got a flu shot,” we all know that Tallanasty takes no prisoners. Once a breeding ground for the city’s own personal strand of Syphilis, the now over-chlorinated, swanky Recess rooftop pool is unable to cleanse students of their various germs and sins. Rumors have begun circulating that the nightclub may actually be the point of origin for the F1S2U3 strand of the influenza virus, per specialty rounds of shots at the Tuesday night hotspot.

“I did not get my flu shot because I don’t believe in vaccinations, and no, I’m not really sure those are the same things. Had I known I would've gotten so ill from a round of shots that I can’t even poop and scroll through Instagram at the same time, I would’ve been the first in line to needle-up,” whispers Jessica Hepburn, in between her rhythm of shivering and puking into a large personalized mason jar. “I didn’t even want to go out but it was my roommate’s friend’s girlfriend’s waltz and I had to support her. I didn’t feel sick until Clayton ordered a round of shots on his Boss’s Venmo card and I tossed back three. Don’t judge me, not even the honors college freaks would turn down a free round of shots.”

“One second I’m at the top of my game, diving into the pool and adding girls on Snapchat, the next minute, I’m fighting in a death match over the last remaining urinal to shit in,” cried horrified freshman Doug Waterman, while recalling his experience of drinking shots somehow containing the influenza virus. “I thought the ‘flu shot’ they were serving was literally a joke. Or at least like a black market vitamin or protein supplement to help with my gains. Christmas is officially over and I just figured it was some sort of college seasonal marketing garbage. Then it completely rearranged my guts. Both Recess and my mom who told me to take flu precautions will be hearing my lawyer-dad VERY soon. We’re coming down on them like the Republicans on AOC, and the only Green New Deal I’m concerned about is the one that fixes whatever stuff is spewing out of my orifices."

While we're not entirely sure that flu shots will keep you one hundred percent in the clear from catching this repulsive virus that tests the strength of friendships and family, we can say that you should definitely still get oneand to avoid any nightclub during this weird, germy season between Winter and Spring. And if your roommate decides they want to go out to Recess to down a round of shots a guy she vaguely knows from Chem 1 bought, we have to advise changing the locks to your apartment immediately!

The Eggplant FSU