STDs Make Annual Southern Migration for Spring Break 2k19
Spring break is approaching again to not only separate the boys from the men but to distinguish the students with healthy childhoods from those who will be spending an entire week drinking to forget. However, amidst hours of mostly unusable go-pro footage from the one rain forest excursion you went on during your cruise to Costa Rica last year, nature’s most feared creature has emerged: the spring break STD. According to reports from the nation’s top biologists and your family pediatrician who made sure your prepubescent ass got the Gardasil vaccination before you even knew how whoopy worked, millions of STDs will be traveling south this spring break to remind you that while your sunbathing and tequila-based binge-drinking may end in a week, that trademark itching most certainly will not.
“Whether you’re just hitting a bong or hitting that this spring break season, there’s a 99.9% chance you’ll be coming home with something that’s bound to make your parents even less proud than they already aren’t,” noted established party-pooper and resident at the Health and Wellness Center, Dr. Clay Mydia. “If you’ll follow me over to the section of the doctor’s office that has anatomical drawings of dicks and stomachs from the early 1990s you’ll also see the migratory patterns of these disgusting creatures. As you can see, their flight patterns may vary, but if you’re heading to Cancun, Fort Lauderdale or Panama City Beach, there’s no way you won’t be swarmed by a flock of these bastards if you so much as think about getting a beachside handjob à la Moonlight.”
“I ate cake by the ocean one time and look what happened to me,” cried former spring breaker, Kyle Lopez, as he showed a picture of himself in a cast, drinking an undoubtedly overpriced Mai Tai after a sex-related injury. “One minute, I’m half-heartedly doing something…~sexual~ to a girl, and the next minute I’m jumping off a balcony to get away from her really angry boyfriend who chose that moment to return with the hotel’s shitty continental breakfast,” said Lopez, shaking his head during what was likely his only moment of self-reflection in the last 12 months. “I got crabs too but, like, my leg, man!”
Thousands of revelers will still break free from the cloying humidity of Tallahassee for another hopelessly humid location-but this time with alcohol and a slight sea breeze. Students are reminded to wrap it up, or at least just give it a rest for one week. For those lame enough to hang out with their parents during the break, it seems that the annual plague may be avoided once again. However, anyone choosing to go on Tinder in their hometown to stave off some of that “boredom” is really testing their luck. Don’t forget: just because you survived the spring migration doesn’t mean you’re safe year-round, especially while attending a school whose reputation for developing its very own strain of the clap skyrocketed the county to the top spot for Chlamydia, Syphilis AND Gonorrhea in the state. Go Noles, baby!