FSU Commissions Electric Buses, Sparks Debate Amongst Horsegirls and College Republicans
Last week, Florida State made the surprising decision to stop choking the environment with fossil fuels and commission an entire fleet of electric buses to transport students around Tallahassee by Fall of 2019. The buses are also expected to be timelier than their diesel-fueled counterparts, so students don’t have to wait as long to catch another bus. Local freshman and self-proclaimed horsegirl BrittNAYYYYYY Hamilton is thrilled about the new, green alternative.
“Personally, Marshmallow and I couldn’t be more excited about the transition. I used to ride her to class like every day because she’s just so environmentally friendly. She fertilizes at least five patches of grass on our daily route from UClub to Doak. Instead of parking her in traditions, I can just let her roam and people think she’s Renegade set free or something,” said Hamilton as she sat criss-cross applesauce and put the finishing touches on the pastoral countryside scene in her adult coloring book. “With these new electric buses, I’m excited to give Marshmallow a much needed break! Plus, I heard the new Heritage bus route is expected to be way quicker. My boyfriend Chad Thompson, local Frat boi, burgeoning alcoholic and known fish guy is SUPER relieved that I don’t have to pick up and take him places on horseback anymore. I guess all his brothers will have to shit on him, for now, is like… showing emotion about the planet?”
However, not everyone is as anticipatory about the decision to run electric buses as horse girls and fish guys alike. FSU College Republican™ and adamant climate change denier Lauren Fitzgerald feels the growing acceptance of evolution, other proven science is a blatant cause for alarm. “FSU is forcing basic scientific facts on students by literally making them take buses that endorse ‘going green.’ My parents always told me that higher education turned good girls into liberals, and I can see exactly what they mean now. So much for bipartisanship! Global warming is a hoax, vaccines cause autism and the Earth is flat. Those are my God-given opinions, and I’m tired of hippies like John Thrasher trying to force their elitist ‘facts,’ ‘logic’ and ‘reason’ down my throat!”
While some students may correlate the man-made effects of climate change to the inevitable rapture come to save only the righteous souls hellbent on destruction of lazy, whiny environmentalists spurred by an ingrained, oppressive Calvinist-protestant outlook on work ethic, only one thing's for certain: with all the money FSU will save, we can probably afford to put a dolphin in the Westcott fountain. Building a new parking garage instead would only encourage pollution, right?