Air Quality in Tallahassee Just Got More Toxic Since the Girls Who Were Mean to You Are Back From Abroad

It’s a new year. A new semester. A new day. Yet, there’s something different hanging in the air that isn’t the hippies on Landis who haven’t left their hammocks since 2018. Students have reported that it’s been a little hard to breathe in and take deep sighs when complaining about being back to school after their expensive, never-been-done-before backpacking trips all over Europe for the break. Upon further investigation, it has been discovered that the cause of all this toxic smog is none other than those girls who bullied you in your freshman dorm getting back from study abroad.

“I could just feel the positive energy plummet the second I entered Tallahassee's city limits. My chest got so tight; it was like a Juul in real life. My new year’s resolution for 'good vibes' is totally out the window. Now I have to throw out all of my 'Live, Laugh, Love' pillows that were supposed to finally get my life on track. Since those demons left, my forehead acne started to clear up, my hair stopped falling out and the succulents in my room were finally blooming. That’s over now,” cried Stefani Angelino, hiding in the fourth floor William Johnston handicap stall bathroom, afraid for her life. “I think they literally brought back London smog with them. How did they even do that? I have them muted on Instagram, but I don’t think it’s enough. It’s just gotten so hard to breathe. How can anyone live like this?”

“I’m back and ready to fuck up everyone’s self-esteem. I gave everyone a break over the Fall, but now that we’re back in the states, it’s over for these losers. Do you smell that? That’s my new perfume from the duty-free shop at the airport that I bought in bulk. Take a big whiff, babes, because it’s expensive and I feel like bullying someone on Facebook Messenger about how much chubbier their face has gotten since I’ve been away,” said former high school bully Amber Turner as she flung her freshly stamped passport at 40 m.p.h. directly toward a freshman’s neck. “I stirred a lot of shit while I was in Europe to make sure everyone had a life-changing yet heavily intoxicated experience abroad since we only took two classes and did not learn a single thing… And trust me, that drama I started at the pub – you know, where us locals drink – still involves you. If I learned anything in London, it’s how to be a bitch in two languages: English and British.”

All the toxic people you left behind in 2018 have decided that it’s just not going to happen. Not only are they back and more annoying than ever, but they’re also bringing you down with them. You may be in your 20s, but it’s about to get middle-school-slumber-party level bitchy in here. Strap on your gas masks because these fish-and-chips breath bitches are back, are feeling passive aggressive as hell and you’re never going to hear the end of it.

The Eggplant FSU