Frat Boys Take Over Goodwill for Ugly Christmas Sweater Parties, Don’t Donate Their Extra Change for Charity
The weeks between Thanksgiving and Winter Break mean one thing and one thing only: the brothers of every fraternity at FSU will be throwing their super original and totally not misogynistic “Annual Sluts and Sleds Ugly Christmas Sweater” parties. Each year, the party commences, but not before each bro goes out and buys an old new sweater at the local Goodwill. Taking trips between snorting pre-workout and shaving their happy trails into mistletoes, these festive holiday junkies wander into the nonprofit store and go straight to the one rack designated for the ugliest Christmas apparel they can find.
“It’s a tradition at this point. Every year, I get a new sweater for the party, get compliments from the babes and then immediately throw it out the next day,” stated sophomore Zach Winchester while sorting through the rack. When asked to donate his leftover change of $0.67 to the homeless, Winchester responded with, “Nah, I’m good. I give back enough with my frat’s yearly philanthropic event to help stop obesity. Plus, how much good would my $0.67 really do for anyone? I only get $500 a month from my parents and I have to balance groceries, sneaker shopping, and bottle service, so I really don’t want to hear it from you.”
"I'm kind of tired of asking these dudes if they're willing to donate their extra two cents to the Big Bend Coalition. The last time I did, some Jake with bleached tips said he doesn't do handouts," commented Goodwill employee, Genevieve Roth, as she counted the collective money raised from frat boys shopping, which was $2 and a used peppermint bark flavored juul pod. "They can barely look me in the eye when inserting their dad’s American Express card. I'd rather deal with those trendy hipsters asking if I know what year their jean jacket was made in than another frat boy coming in to buy a sweater and attempting to return it the next day.”
Dozens more of the boys continued to fill the store, copping all of the sweaters left in stock. When the brothers began to compare peck sizes and shout to the patrons in the store that “cookies weren’t the only thing they would be eating that night,” they were politely asked to check out immediately and leave the establishment. There should be proof of these purchases by searching “#slutsandsledsuglychristmassweaterparty2018” on Instagram later this week.