New "Greenwise Market" On Gaines Street Secretly A Front For Underground Food Fad Market


While the war between people who religiously shop at Lucky’s Market and Trader Joe’s wages on throughout Tallahassee, Publix has decided to make a comeback following the loss of The Fresh Market a few years ago by building a monolithic and trendy “Greenwise Market.” Of course, anyone who’s managed to snatch some of Lucky’s “secret” meat deals could probably tell you that the Greenwise selling “hot soup rocks” might actually just be a front for pyramid schemes and the fast fashion of food trends: instagram diets. This doesn’t stop anyone from flocking to the unfurnished building however. In fact, the thought of being able to hock forbidden goods only makes the shop even more popular with the college crowd.

Sophomore Bayleigh Reynolds, the founder and sole member of the “Munching Chiefs” cooking club, has taken to canvassing for the new market all over her social media feeds with her particularly quirky brand of pictures and commentary. Juxtaposed to an image of a mason jar with two clear liquids held in a vague, oily suspension is the caption: “I’m SUPER into the new Water Squared superdrinks from Greenwise! It’s a blend of raw water and saguaro cactus water, It’s totally helping my complexion stay clear in this mid-September heat!” However, when asked to elaborate on the actual benefits of her superdrink, Reynolds only managed to talk about a new diet to rival the popularity of the Keto diet. “It’s the affordable lobster diet, what more do I have to tell you?” Reynolds announced as she flaunted a picture of herself holding what looked like two mutant crayfish by their tails.

The fervent campaigning for Greenwise as a valid marketplace for all your illicit and obscure diets has lead to several members of the Center for Health and Wellness releasing multiple statements to steer students away from the new food trends. CHAW representative Maxie Hart seems particularly hard pressed about the true benefits of this black meat market. “Look, the only benefit you’re going to get from eating affordable lobster is some mutated breed of salmonella that’ll make you go blind,” they chided, pointing fervently at one of Reynold’s posts. In response to the raw water concoction, Maxie announced “Do you dumbasses want E. Coli? Because that’s how you get E. Coli!” while throwing their hands in the air with absolute disdain, scattering some CHAW sponsored pamphlets regarding meal planning.

Despite the war between how tweetable the pictures of your acai-enhanced coffee grounds are and the health professionals trying to explain that students probably shouldn’t be trying to buy untreated water for ten-bucks-a-bacterial-pop, this drama isn’t enough to stop Greenwise from continuing to be the up and coming hotspot for diet trends. Let’s face it– if you could make a profit off raw pufferfish supposedly making blackheads disappear, you’d milk that pufferfish for all the pufferfish milk it could give.

The Eggplant FSU