The Eggplant's Guide to Tallahassee Cryptids for Graduating Suckers

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With graduation just around the bend, The Eggplant is here to help all  the liberal arts majors being thrown out into the real world ensure that they’ve made the most of their time in this kitschy, hellscape of a city by compiling a comprehensive list of all of the local cryptids found throughout the area. We’re not saying you can only graduate if you’ve come into contact with at least half the list, but did you actually go to college in Tallahassee if you haven’t? With this handy little guide, you can make sure you really caught them all-even if you really didn’t want to.


The Chili's Sign In The Union

We all know Chili's is been buried deep beneath the depths of our hearts and the sixth layer hell, but its memory is still there to taunt us with that Vintage™ sign next to Subway. Although the Community Table can be considered a cryptid due to it looking like a carbon copy of our previous restaurant lord and savior, nothing tops Chili's ability to gift anyone 2 for 1 Margaritas before their 11AM class.

Lake Ella Monster (Or “Elsie”, if you’re feelin frisky )

The Lake Ella monster has been described as a multitude of things, ranging from “alligator” to “stupid bunch of sticks”, but any wise Tallahassee local would know that Elsie is actually the originator for every single duck that lives in the lake. What is Elsie, physically? Elsie does not have to live by human standards of biology or zoology. Elsie exists beyond all concepts beyond the ducks of Lake Ella.

Drunk freshman in the landis fountain after midnight

No matter where someone goes on a Friday night, one thing is clear: they'll always end up at the Legacy Fountain on Landis Green. Freshman intoxicated by watered down drinks and peer pressure love turning on their homing signals and throwing themselves into the same water people let their dogs swim in. They're mostly active during Summer C and the beginning of the Fall semester, but with everyone going out to White Trash Wednesday during finals week, it's definitely a sight to see and get on your Snapchat story before graduating!

The hate speakers that roam the free-speech zone

If you ever wished a rude-ass cryptid gaggle would come to your home and start screaming about circumcision and masturbation, just move to Tallahassee and wait for Brother Jeb and his merry band of anti-semites to show up. For some reason, these cryptids love to flaunt their terrible, horrible mugs and students love to egg them on. For the safety of your brain and moral dignity, DO NOT ENGAGE.

On-Campus Squirrels

These creatures are the epitome of Cryptid! The on-campus squirrels are genetically mutated to withstand anything the harsh, Tallahassee environment throws at them. They have superhuman strength and don't obey any known laws of physics. One of our writers even saw a squirrel devour an entire bagel (toasted, of course) while hanging upside down from a tree!

The Entire Union Productions Staff

You’ve probably seen them one-on-one before, or at least been to an event hosted by this leg of the Student Activities Center. What you might not know, is that with their powers combined, Union Productions forms a Voltron-style cryptid that might very well stamp an inky pizza on your forehead and check your bags, including the ones you don’t even have on you. You don’t know how they found those, but they did, and you need to throw out that drink.
 

That one dude who walks around campus wearing a fedora and trench coat

McGruff the Crime Dog’s human-sona is easily found between the SLC and Oglesby Union. While generally pretty skittish and hard to initiate conversation with, if you end up being confronted by this particular cryptid, take caution in avoiding mostly any topic. Politics, television, food, nothing is sacred. Stick to talking about the weather and pretend like they’re not dressed like Dick Tracy on a budget in 90 degree weather.

Garbandr, The Mile-Long Serpent

Garbandr is most likely the strongest living cryptid of Tallahassee by the nature of its ability to hide away from the surface world via the utility corridor both in, and under the union. Come 4 AM, Garbandr rises from the abyss to feast on Gumby’s pizza and whatever other nightmares live in the dumpster behind the notorious pizzaria.