Hipsters Who Called Gaines Street "Gentrified" Rattled to Discover the New GreenWise Is Actually Amazing

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Having long been the center of controversy amidst those loud woke kids outside your humanities class is the gentrification of College Town. Being home to many hopping hipster attractions like the mug section of Urban Outfitters, that green leafy wall thing outside Vale and the pool at one of the 80 Stadium Centers, it was only a matter of time before the rich kids from the “cool part” of central Florida living in overpriced, oppressive College Town apartments demanded a grocery store expensive enough to match the rent they pay each month. Many shop owners from this once artsy-fartsy district were sent into a frothy rage when the news broke that a GreenWise Market would be peddling its corporate, aggressively organic wares. However, even the most socially just of students protesting alongside local farmers couldn't help but notice that this place kinda goes all the way off.

“It rocked my whole world. Maybe it was the solar powered self-checkout machines or the lemon-infused toilet water, but this GreenWise definitely made some points,” said Thom Hatcher, taking a bump of powdered quinoa and shaking so hard that his jeans became uncuffed. “I was so ready to post a long, unreadable rant on Twitter about how gentrified this grocery store was with their sip-and-shop bar, artisan soap workshop and an employee whose sole job is to align your chakras as you shop.  I thought it was ruining the neighborhood by being the only place within three miles to buy fresh food, but they have like 15 kinds of organic honey. I didn’t even know there were still bees anymore!”

“We knew those hipsters would eat this organic indie wonderland up. I mean, we literally have a fucking kombucha chiller with 90 different brews inside. I wake up every morning with a smile on my face just thinking about the pitter patter of Birkenstocks filling up my store to buy $18 olives,” said manager and local badass Tom Keyes as he cleaned bits of compost from his veggie garden out from under his nails with a kale chip. “They can pretend that they’re woke as hell and call this place gentrified, but the bottom line is we have our iron-deficient talons in them and there’s no going back now. I mean look at ‘em... they’re already utilizing our upstairs dining area to paste together some zines about the dangers of bathing. They literally cannot help themselves.”

While the debate over whether Gaines Street is structurally sound enough to support the weight of all the thrift store dust and student art pieces examining their depressing childhoods rages on, one thing remains certain: GreenWise has its foot on Whole Foods’ neck and shows no signs of relenting. Say goodbye to parking somewhere that isn’t an abandoned field or not getting run over by a flight of Priuses; it's time to say hello to the anxious buzzing of conflicted hipsters worried about the social repercussions of needing food to live.

The Eggplant FSU