Clever Thief Disguised as Maple Street Biscuit Co. Employee Steals Four SSNs Just by Asking

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When you have delicious, gravy-smothered breakfast biscuits on your mind, the last thing you'd expect is someone trying to steal your identity from right under your nose. But for four Tallahassee residents, that was the horrifying reality last Wednesday when an experienced criminal was able to slip into the restaurant dressed as an employee to take advantage of Maple Street Biscuit Co.’s quirky counter tradition of asking personal questions instead of names. The criminal was able to snatch the Social Security Numbers of his four victims from their very own lips.

“Looking back, it did seem pretty odd. I probably should have known that they wouldn’t normally ask something like that, but they’ve gotten weirdly personal with those questions before: ‘What does your house smell like?’ ‘What’s the weirdest porn you’ve ever watched?’ ‘What is the biggest source of emotional friction between you and your parents?’” explained Luis Barzana, the first of the four victims. “So when the guy at the register asked for my social, my mother’s maiden name and the street I grew up on, I just kind of rolled with it, you know? Plus I had already waited three hours in that line, I was getting my biscies.”

“This is frankly pretty embarrassing. You'd think we would have noticed someone who was not employee walking behind the counter, asking these kinds of questions and then not charging the customers, insisting with a cackling laugh that they would 'get him next time,' ” admitted the shift manager at the time, Mark “The Schlonch” Schlonski, who was writing breakfast puns on his idea board at the time of the incident. “But in all honesty, the breakfast rush is so hectic with nine people walking in at a time that we don’t really have the time or resources to check everyone who steps behind the counter for their employment status. Half of our staff just wandered in from Coliseum when it was open and never left. It's also a super chill work environment so we were never really prepared for this level of nefarious plot.”

Customers began getting suspicious of the credit thief as their orders did not seem to be coming out and those that did arrive were being called out by the customer’s least favorite soda, followed by their favorite soda. One of the dubious guests decided to confront the man behind the register, intending simply to ask when she could expect her breakfast, but as soon as the “Excuse me, sir?” left her mouth, the spooked badman leapt out from behind the counter and knocked over a large stack of coffee cups to shield his escape. No one was able to apprehend the master scammer, as he ran out onto Conradi St, and hid behind a car in the Luxe parking lot.

Image Credit:

The Eggplant FSU