Construction on Tennessee St. Target Halted Due to Resurrection of Anthropology Dept. Mummies
Following the tragic loss of the evil clubbing entity, Coliseum at the end of last year, residents on the west side of Tallahassee have finally come to terms with. knowing that they will never be able to turn up next to a CVS littered with broken bottles and throw up ever again. There's solace in the fact that they'll soon be able to buy the same microwave burritos and other plastic crap as the nearby Walmart at twice the price. Construction on the new Target location, however, has taken an unexpected hiatus on account of the reanimation of several embalmed corpses in the basement underneath the former location of FSU’s Anthropology Department.
“We were drilling into the ground for some plumbing when we found the room. No one told us it was there. As soon as we broke through the wall and the sunlight hit the mysterious glowing gem in the center of the crypt, all of the creepy skeleton men started getting up and walking around,” reported site foreman Joe Hackinsackin as he coated a set of screwdrivers in Oil of Vitriol and Wolfsbane. "They started screaming at us in backwards Coptic and summoning dark magics with evil curses whose knowledge had been lost to time. That’s when I ordered an evacuation of the premises in accordance with standard union codes regarding the resurgence of the undead.”
“Those weird zambos was messing everything up. They crawled out of that giant hole with their heads all back-ward like, clawing at the drywall and destroying all our hard work.,” recalled construction worker Jebediah Sweenums as he carved hieroglyphs for a protection charm into his hard hat. “I was pretty pissed, but there was no way I was about to get in a fight with a heeby-jeeby dead mummizoid. It's probably extra powerful after it stole the souls from every kid whose ever blacked out at Coliseum. I'm just gonna take time off and let someone else deal with it. FSU has enough money to hire an exorcist."
The Anthropology Department refused to comment on the presence of these spooky creatures and why they had not been removed from the underground chamber before construction started. When asked, they simply hissed and clawed until they were left alone. Following the evacuation of the construction zone, the undead were seen roaming through the soon-to-be aisles of the new Target. Until the top exorcists arrive from Antioch, the creatures will be left to peruse the adorable tchotchkes and home goods for their pyramids, debating whether they’re really worth the massive gold tributes they were buried with.