TPD Announces Formation of Raccoon Cop Division to Comb Through Every Student Athlete’s Trash


The success of sticking FSU quarterback Deondre Francois with a marijuana possession citation after digging through his trash for several weeks has inspired the Tallahassee Police Department to create a new branch of TPD solely focused on digging through players’ garbage. This branch, which will be comprised of nearly 50 well-trained raccoons, will allow us to rest easy knowing that student athletes representing our university aren't doing anything off the field to help themselves relax from the stress of being used for the benefit of alumni's enjoyment and the local Tallahassee economy.

“When we discovered a misdemeanor amount of cannabis in his room, we realized we really had to step up our game in protecting student athletes from the dangers of drugs since we didn't waste enough city funding on DARE the first time around,” said TPD veteran Michael Everett as he poured gasoline over a bag of taxpayer money and threw it into an incinerator. “We’ve always known that there are at least a few students at Florida State who engage in marijuana usage, but we never expected this degenerate behavior would make its way up to the likes of star athletes. However, we’re confident that our hand-picked staff of wiley raccoons will dig through all NCAA athletes’ garbage to make sure that they aren’t throwing away anything more suspicious than a bag of stale Moe’s chips.”

"It's kind of weird to have an entire squad of raccoons on the prowl for weed instead of doing something substantial, like holding people accountable for sexual assaults that occur throughout Tallahassee," commented junior Jessica Juniper, who wasn't entirely convinced about the allocation of police resources for this division of animal sleuths. "But if they're all sidekicks for human cops it’ll be like one of those quirky animated movies from DreamWorks. I'd love to see them arrest those kids who try sneaking into Bull's on Thursdays with fake IDs.”

A spokesperson for TPD assured us that they negotiated a fair deal with the raccoons in exchange for their services. In addition to allowing the raccoons to keep whatever trash they can hold in their tiny hands, TPD will be allocating several motorized vehicles and a sum of $600,000 to the raccoon division, whose underground community doesn’t even necessarily value money. Several critics have pointed out that this money might be better utilized in stopping actual crimes, like serial murder, getting in the Publix 10 items or less line with 14 items or the Florida education system, but TPD assured us that they definitely know what they’re doing and that the raccoons will definitely not just nibble on the money as if it were any other form of paper trash.

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