The smell of stress sweat and frustrated tears filled the air at the Lucky Goat on Pensacola last weekend as many students opened their syllabus calendars for the first time all year. Panic began to unfold as students realized that they had something like four midterms, an annotated bibliography, a parking fine and the unified field theory all due next week. Luckily (haha), Tallahassee’s favorite fake deep coffee franchise introduced a new cold brew flavor of the month to help students through midterms.
“This month’s flavor, Alpine Adderall, is a playfully quaint swirl of caramel, hazelnut and 60 mg of dextroamphetamine,” said barista Jameson Beardboot, while plugging his mahogany wood-encased phone into the shop’s aux cord to play The Wombats. “It was only after months of rigorous training under a coffee guru who lives in the Appalachian mountains and a few legal loopholes that I was able to concoct such a whimsical flavor. Just don’t dilute it with cream because then my head will begin to shrink out of sheer disrespect for this pretentious water and my beanie will start to cover my eyes. Then I won’t be able to see when I pass by a mirror and shoot finger guns at myself.”
“It pretty much just tastes like normal iced coffee,” said local student Anthonee Beaumont as a sort of manic gleam filled his eyes. “Except I paid $7 for it and my heart is starting to beat a-rhythmically. Yeah. Actually, wow. Hm. I’m really starting to feel it now. I was going to study for my Calc midterms, but I think instead I’m going to sprint from here to my apartment in midtown and build a working replica of Dom’s 1970s Charger from ‘The Fast and The Furious’ out of materials from the garbage...No, you can just have my laptop...and my car...Excuse me.”
According to our sources behind the milk steamer, authorities have caught sweet coffee-scented wind of the multiple felonies taking place with every Alpine Adderall drink sold and it’s only a matter of time before they shut the operation down. We recommend purchasing a growler of the cold brew while you still can, if not for the study juice, then to put in the fridge and assert your superiority over your less cultured roommates and house guests.