Cutthroat Unicycle Gangs Run Railroad Square

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Nestled between FAMU and FSU is Railroad Square Art Park: a local community of shops and unique businesses that holds a warm place in the hearts of everyone who grew up in Tallahassee and went through a scene phase. Most people know about the square from First Friday, a celebration held on the first Friday of every month with gallery shows, craft sellers and live music that’s often interrupted by some obscure performance piece featuring someone wearing a long, multi-colored flowing skirt. What most people don’t know is that this quirky little burg is operated almost entirely by warring gangs of unicyclists. 

You may have wondered how these barely sustainable warehouse nipple ring markets stay afloat in an area that’s under constant development in order to keep up with growing student living demands. The answer is balls to the wall unicycle gang violence. The shops and gangs have evolved symbiotically and the problem is deeply rooted in the area. There are two major gangs: The Homeschooled Hazards and The Whitedreads. Others have cropped up over time but have been crushed under the weight of the Big Two’s struggle.

“We offer protection and free ukulele lessons. Those wookiee buzzgoobs are only gonna give you two things: bad fire juggling and unethically sourced corn snacks,” said Gryan Yodel of the Hazards as he bartered with the Black Dog barista on how many used toothpicks would equal fair trade for a pinot popsicle. “When we ride around here on our monobikes, people see us and they know we aren’t to be fucked with. We like to maintain peace but if the Whitedreads have beef, I’m gonna get a little blood on my light-gloves and that’s the end of the fuckin’ line man. Namaste.”

In total, 311 young people have experienced ego death in the dispute between these factions. Tallahassee Police have tried to break up the conflict, but each attempt has led to officers entering the Crystal Portal and coming out as members of either gang with a vial of turmeric around their neck and a fresh hot take on the godhead and how Charles Manson was cool and misunderstood. The area is mostly safe to shoppers, just keep an eye out for the hungry warriors on their one-wheeled hogs.