Top 69 Ways to Die at the North Florida Fair

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It’s that time of year again, folks! The North Florida Fair has finally dusted off its dirty hand rails and rusty deep fryers to distract you from the cold adult reality that has darkened the broken remains of youthful spirit. Thrilling rides, good eats and trodden grass turned a disgusting brown color will be welcoming fairgoers this evening for its opening night. In honor of this grand, albeit sticky, occasion, we’ve compiled a list of the top fatal ways to bypass deep fried Oreos and the company of smelly strangers. Go at your own risk!

  1. Kicked by world’s smallest horse
  2. Giant mallet attack
  3. Petting zoo pets back
  4. Falling into cotton candy machine
  5. Bear you won is an actual bear
  6. Choking on a corn dog
  7. Choking simultaneously on two corn dogs
  8. Walking into funhouse glass
  9. Projectile vomit
  10. Flying shoe
  11. Rogue baseball from a game booth
  12. Strangled by the headless lady, who is alive and human
  13. Drowned in dunk tank
  14. Inhaling powdered sugar
  15. Stabbed while getting on the ferris wheel
  16. Stabbed while riding the ferris wheel
  17. Stabbed while getting off the ferris wheel
  18. Mystery meat on a stick
  19. Eating a little too much cotton candy
  20. Cat scratch fever
  21. Hiccups
  22. Pollen
  23. Turf dispute with the Northeast Florida Fair
  24. The Bush Administration
  25. Starvation on stalled Pharaoh
  26. Stampede on carousel
  27. You fly out of one of those flying swings
  28. One of those flying swings comes loose and hits you
  29. One of those flying swings lands nearby and you trip over it a few minutes later
  30. Old West train robbers attack the roller coaster
  31. Cannibalism
  32. Seeing a clown
  33. Being touched by a clown
  34. Child uprising (Children of the Popcorn™)
  35. Animatronic uprising
  36. Someone steps on your toes too hard
  37. Rick Scott shows up
  38. The bad guy from “The Princess and the Frog” curses you for bumping into him
  39. “28 Days Later” zombies
  40. “The Walking Dead” zombies
  41. The bully from “IT” finds you
  42. The clown from “IT” finds you
  43. Alexander Skarsgard’s character from “Big Little Lies” finds you
  44. You fall asleep on a bench and lucid dream your own death
  45. Anthropomorphic stuffed animals
  46. Goldfish are actually sharks
  47. Goldfishnado
  48. Paper cut
  49. That BB gun game
  50. The phrase “Step right up”
  51. The plot of Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds”
  52. A boys’ choir
  53. The North Florida Gun Show comes early
  54. Your parents’ public disapproval
  55. The price of admission
  56. Rogue spittle from a carnival barker
  57. Wolves
  58. Asteroid
  59. Teacups ride with someone you’re not intimately involved with
  60. Attack by North Korea
  61. Attack by North Carolina
  62. Starship 2000 mistaken by aliens as enemy craft
  63. Seeing your high school ex with your other high school ex
  64. “War of the Worlds”
  65. Entering the house of mirrors and seeing your sweaty reflection from multiple angles
  66. Playing cornhole (the southern man’s chess)
  67. You swallow a bug and think it’s funny at first but three days later a swarm of flies erupts from your chest like the movie “Alien”
  68. Checking Blackboard in line for the Zipper and seeing you failed your Orgo test
  69. Nice