Woman Finds Only Thing Standing Between Her and Mental Chaos Is a Funnel Cake from the Fair
The North Florida Fair is quickly coming to a close, so it’s time to text everyone for a last minute invite in hopes that at least one of them will take pity on you and dish out over $25 for some whacky carnival games. With such a busy week leading up to Thanksgiving full of procrastination, dodging Dance Marathon donations, and teachers being unrelenting in their need to make up the 30 seconds lost in class to the hurricane, it’s been damn near impossible to have some spontaneous, bank account-breaking fun. There are only a few days left to get that fix for fried foods and rickety rides, and for someone like sophomore Carly Benson, it’s become abundantly clear that if she doesn’t get her hands on a funnel cake right now, she’s gonna fucking snap.
“I just really need this right now. Making that 20-minute drive all the way out to the fairgrounds and huffing the fumes from the livestock exhibition while standing in line surrounded by a bunch of dabbing tweens is just the thing that’s missing for me. I just upped the credit limit on my card so I’m ready to go pretty god damn hard on this midway tonight,” said Benson as she clotheslined a family of four while tracking the precise coordinates of every fried food stand in throwing distance. “I’m going to get one with every topping they have and go to town on it. My funnel cake and I can go up to the Ferris wheel and just look at each other before I inhale her Kirby-style. Kind of romantic, right? I may be in heaven, but my blood sugar is going straight to hell."
“In all my years on the fryer, I have never seen a young woman so utterly distressed. The second I handed over that 15-pound funnel cake, she started gumming the powdered sugar and I think she lost her shadow. It was pretty haunting shit, but at least she left a tip. It was made out to FAFSA, but I’m not really one to turn down a gift,” said Fried Town USA employee Freddy Friedman while dropping an industrial sized jar of pickles into the deep fryer and hoping for the best. “It felt a little unethical to give someone that much processed food on a piece of fried dough, but with that soulless look in her eyes, I don’t know what would have happened if I didn’t do it. I just hope the boiling oil and burnt bits from the fryer can help fill both her pulmonary valves and the void.”
If you're trying to get away get away from the mental distress of the semester by winning a seven-foot-tall stuffed minion or spin around in a machine that wasn't even deemed safe for test dummies, then the North Florida Fair is a fun place to feel better about yourself as you watch a bunch of middle-schoolers wait for their moms to pick them up. Fairgoers can even be like Benson and stuff their disgusting little faces with 2300 calories of fried batter- if she hasn’t eaten them all by now. Don’t be mad. She needs this.