Mama Mia! Pizzeria Fails Health Inspection for Putting “A Little Piece of Grandma Falzione in Every Slice”
There has long been heated debates over the best pizza available in Tallahassee. Many students of FSU and FAMU would argue for Gaines Street Pies, Momo's or Centrale, but only true local experts have tasted the sweet sweet sauce of the true champion, Falzione's Pizza on Thomasville. Now, however, they may be the only ones to have ever tasted it. On Wednesday night, the doors of Falzione's were locked for possibly the last time as it was discovered that their motto — “A Little Piece of Grandma Falzione in Every Slice” — alludes to their secret ingredient: one tablespoon of the family matriarch's cremated remains.
“This is an outrageous affront on a central component of Italian-American culture. When Nonna Falzione — God rest her soul — came into Tallahassee Harbor from Napoli, she had nothing but just the clothes on her back, a dream of a better life and the traditional recipe for her angelic pizza pie!” Angrily complained Mikey Falzione, owner and proprietor of Falzione’s Pizza, as he formed two pointed fists and violently shook them in front of him. “Sure that recipe includes human remains, but it’s been that way for generations. Nonna added some of her Nonna in her pizza, and she added her Nonna and her Nonna before her — God rest their souls. She then passed it down to me and my cousins, Tony, Joey, Carmine, Giacomo, Vinny, Giuseppe and Marco. Now some big man health inspector wants to take us down? He makes me so mad, I'm gonna have him whacked and turned into Gabagool!”
“What a great tragedy from which the hidden pizza scene of Tallahassee may never recover,” pontificated insufferable food blogger and long-time Falzione's patron Jamie Blower, as he pushed up his glasses and tightened the scarf over his "Ask me about my mouthfeel" T-shirt. “There was something so roguish and innovative about forcing cannibalism on unwitting customers. Not to mention the flavour. Nonna Falzione — God rest her soul — gave the pizza such an authentic taste of Campagna, a real Italian Umami, if you will. Now we will be relegated to the plebian spices of oregano, basil and Parmigiano Reggiano.”
Leon County Health & Human Services has declined comment, citing the ongoing civil court battle raised by Falzione and 237 of his closest “cugini.” But even if the beloved local bistro can manage to get its doors reopened, the quintessential taste that came from the ashes of a departed loved one may be lost forever; the Falzione's of the past might as well be as dead as Nonna Falzione, God rest her soul.