Summer is just around the corner! While the season change usually just means a temperature shift from ‘semi-uncomfortable’ to ‘it feels like the inside of a mouth,’ some Tallahassee residents take this time to indulge in some R&R at the beautiful, not at all gentrified Lake Ella. Whether you’re watching an $8 Big Easy Snowball drip down your arm or avoiding your ex-boyfriend as he makes out with his new girl on a bench (FUCK YOU, BLAINE!!!), one thing is certain when visiting this Monroe Street hot spot: the ducks will refuse anything that isn’t vegan, gluten-free, unprocessed pita bread from the organic aisle.
“They haven’t been the same since Lucky’s on Tennessee opened. You’d think that beggars can’t be choosers, but those little shits won’t go anywhere near my 3-week-old Publix brand whole grain anymore,” stated Terry McCormick, a local mother of three toddlers that were terrorizing a squirrel outside of Quarter Moon. “I don’t even feed my own human kids bread that healthy, and these ducks want me to spend five bucks on gluten-free naan? I don’t think so!” McCormick added, before hurrying away to save her youngest from a flock of geese trying to colonize the gazebo.
After a single taste of Trader Joe’s rice flour wheat in February, the local mallard cohort that claims these lands has rejected all carbs made with alternative ingredients. Turning their beaks up at the freshest day-old Jimmy John’s loaves, the previously cute birds have been pushing the boundaries of what is an acceptable amount of resilience when it comes to modestly turning down food. The change seemingly erupted around the same time a sunrise yoga club started doing potluck breakfasts on the lake shore, inciting the ducks to improve their diets and learn downward dog.
“I don’t know what’s gotten into those rotten birds, but 80% of our bread sales came from parents who needed to keep their kids quiet at the lake while they try to finish an erotic novel they’ve been reading for six years. I can’t even sell a simple 8-pack of fresh hoagies from the bakery anymore,” claimed Lake Ella Publix manager Nigel Xavier, who was way too sweaty to be comfortably wearing slacks and a long sleeve button down. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do! If these birds keep claiming gluten intolerance, I’m gonna have to call corporate and explain why we haven’t restocked Wonderbread in six weeks!” After nervously knocking over a sheet cake display, Xavier frantically called the owner of Trader Joe’s inquiring about any job openings.