Sweet Shop Changes WiFi Password To “WeWillSlitYourOutsideDrinksThroat”
Sweet Shop is commonly known around Tallahassee as a quaint little hangout where students can meet up to talk, study, order an ice cream sundae or even scratch ‘420 Blaze It’ inside their booth of choice. In the past, Sweet Shop’s wifi password was, adorably, “sweetenyourday,” an emblem of the cafe’s cozy feel. However, patrons began to feel an air of hostility when the wifi password was abruptly changed to “nooutsidefoodordrink.” Most ignored the password change, as Sweet Shop remained just as cute and over-decorated with signs as it had ever been. That was until last week, when Sweet Shop changed their wifi password to “wewillslityouroutsidedrinksthroat.”
“I’m terrified for the life of my venti Starbucks caramel macchiato with coconut milk,” said Jada Harris as she spread her Communications homework across the twelve-foot-long table she had chosen to occupy completely by herself. “I have special dietary restrictions that Sweet Shop just can’t keep up with, but this is my favorite place to take up space while I fight on the phone with my boyfriend so that nobody around me can concentrate on what they’re trying to study.”
“My boss says that if I don’t brutally murder outside drinks in front of their loving owners, he’ll force me to eat one of our sausage, egg and cheese croissants,” said Sweet Shop employee Gene Davis as he handed a steaming pile of grease on a paper plate to a customer. “The next drink I stab to death is to be hung in the window as a warning to future clientele.”
Sweet Shop is currently in the process of increasing cafe security to deal with the issue. Employees will now be issued military-grade infrared glasses, thereby making it impossible for patrons to hide outside pastries or sandwiches in their book bags. Furthermore, Sweet Shop will be hiring German Shepherds trained to identify decent coffee and tea by scent which will ensure that no outside drink is safe.