How to Calm Your Burger Cravings in Tallahassee

If you’re like me, your tummy is always growling for two things: an all-natural beef beatdown in the form of a chemically-laden, mass-produced hamburger and some hashtag coffee to wash it all down. Luckily the FSView just published a sweet dish listing the cornucopia of mass chain coffee shops, in case we forgot what a Starbucks looked like. How caring! I figured I’d do the same thing with hamburgers because I will do anything to get a good burger in this god forsaken town we call Tallaburger.

Below are some of my favorite spots to grub some grab and chill with some all-American processed meat byproducts. Me and my crew of burgerphiles did a hardcore Google search before picking the first choices that popped up on the map. To clarify, I’m only covering commercial enterprises otherwise I’d mention that the best burger in town I’ve had I found waist deep crawling through a sewer underneath Tharpe St. Talk about a sweet deal!

Suwannee Hall

Suwannee Hall has been dabbling in taste deprivation for years and their work has not gone unnoticed by this patty sleuth. In between the rumors of rodent and roach infestations, you can find yourself in line for a meat treat that hasn’t seen daylight since Henry Ford dipped his anti-semitic toe in the fast food business during the second industrial revolution. Rare find! Let’s not forget to talk about the ambiance. Sitting around a bunch of freshmen anxious about their changing identity and future prospects will spice up that almost frozen slab of “meat” with a zest reminiscent of a high school cafeteria.

Fresh Foods

Like my mom used to say to me as she dropped chunks of Hamburger Helper into my milk each morning, there’s nothing more free of sin in the world than the act of perpetual repetition. Wise! Sure, some people say the food is a little better here than in Suwannee, but don’t let those culinary snobs fool you! The shorter lines and clean floor will have you eating dozens of those proverbial krabby patties in literally no time. Remember how Spongebob had an unbreakable passion for delivering the best Krabby Patty he could? How he would wallow in misery if a customer did not appreciate his craftsmanship? How he was aghast when he found out Squidward had not tried one of the patties? Well these aren’t those, actually. These are more like the burger the machine makes that turn out to be grey goop when you take a bite.

The P.O.D. Market

I know what you’re thinking! Does this place even sell burgers? Well do I have a scoop for you. Next time you find yourself craving some of the cow meat within the wheat buns, move your legs over to The P.O.D. Market next to Chick-fil-A, which, little known fact, actually serves a mean chicken sandwich! Once you get to the counter, place a vintage Hamburglar toy from McDonald’s 1990’s McDonaldland collection into the hands of the sales clerk. The sales clerk will then start walking as if in an indecipherable trance away from the market. You will wait for approximately half an hour, allowing the instinctive need for flesh to percolate within you. Flashbacks of ancestors, wearing red wigs and overly large shoes, hunting dollar value meals in the Appalachian Mountains will invade your vision. Then, a bright flash of light. The sales clerk will have returned, bearing a cheeseburger happy meal within their burger pouch. The transaction is complete once you retrieve your feast.

McDonalds, Wendy’s, Burger King, Whataburger, Steak ‘n Shake, Smash Burger, Chili’s, Red Robin, Applebee’s, BurgerFi, Five Guys

Sure, I could talk a little bit about the burgeoning burger shops in Tally from Vertigo to Voodoo Dog to Wells Brothers to Midtown Caboose in order to promote their authentically delicious food to a new class of students. And sure, I could use the platform I’m writing in to shine a spotlight on small businesses striving to make a living under the shadow of corporations with an advertising budget larger than my blind spot for local establishments. That all said, none of these local places give you a funny, little Minions toy when you purchase one of the little meals, so who cares?


The Eggplant FSU