Last week city officials toured The Dwellings, a new sustainable tiny house community under development in Tallahassee. After pictures of these model tiny homes emerged online, governor and human equivalent to the hair that gets stuck in your butt while showering Rick Scott put plans in motion for a move to this community when his term finally ends in 2018. He took some time off from ruining the lives of public school teachers and posing with our student body president elect in a bunny suit to research tiny home regulations, only to be disappointed that his cold, dead heart of stone was over the legal weight allowed in these very humble abodes.
“At first, I was a bit miffed, I can’t lie. Well actually I can and I do often, but I won’t this time. Anyways, then I read that there’s a neighborhood suing the sustainable tiny house community because they realized it might help people in need. Now that’s the perfect place for me and my heavy, stone heart, which has also never felt empathy,” said Governor Scott, not blinking for the entirety of the statement and never fully closing his mouth. “I also found out that The Dwellings is a sustainable community, so that wouldn’t have really worked for me. Instead, I’m planning on buying thirty refrigerators for my new, extremely large home and leaving them open at all times to make up for whatever good this community does for the environment.”
“His initial interest in tiny homes emerged when he was binge watching Tiny House Hunters on HGTV on the plane to D.C. to meet with Trump last weekend, because he finished watching all of regular House Hunters and also because he needed something else to do instead of consider what will happen to the millions of Americans who will lose health insurance if the ACA is repealed,” explained Ann Scott, the governor’s wife and confidant for all of his secrets, namely every time he sharts on live TV yet still doesn’t let the corners of his lips fall from his lifeless smile. “I don’t think he realized how much downsizing that would entail. He has a bit of a hoarding issue when it comes to all those lizard skeletons and snakeskins he has been collecting since childhood. I tried telling him that was a weird hobby, but he just hissed at me and went back to slithering down our staircase then climbing back up and doing it again.”
Before Scott realized he grossly outweighed the legal limit allowed inside a tiny home, he had already started some preparations. He handcrafted a barndoor out of reclaimed oak for the bathroom that doubled as a ladder to the loft, purchased a kitschy “love grows best in little houses” sign and started brewing his own kombucha. Now that he knows he and his heart of stone are not welcome in the tiny house community, he will be selling everything on Craigslist for three times what he paid and using the money to finally finish crafting his throne made entirely out of twenty dollar bills he finagled from those less fortunate than him.