Andrew Gillum to Destroy the Seven Horocruxes of Rick Scott
After the defeat of the evil Lord Voldemort, his identical twin Rick Scott was summoned to wreak havoc upon the world. Casting the Imperio curse, he fooled Florida voters into re-electing him despite being an asshole. Andrew Gillum, the young man who lived (to see his state swing red in the presidential election), has begun his quest to destroy the forces maintaining the walking death eater that is Rick Scott.
“Prophecy has always dictated that a man working as a public city official in one of the most hated states of this land would surpass the forces of The-Man-Who-Looks-Like-A-Snake,” said John Thrasher, the headmaster of Fantastical Sorcery University, as he dunked an ancient Heisman trophy into his Football Championship Potion. “Gillum has already defeated the three-headed dog and the giant spider, but will he be able to deal with the unbelievable obstacles that are presented in a statewide gubernatorial election without the help of some Liquid Luck? May Dumbledore’s glory guide him to the seven horocruxes.”
The Daily Prophet, which is often called a false scroll by Scott's evil cohorts, declared that Scott’s horocruxes range from the Starbucks that he ran away from when confronted for his incompetence to the flowery license plates that he for some reason did not like. An owl recently came in with reports that Scott infused parts of his soul into drilling plants located in the Everglades.
“After Voldemort, I thought it would be easy sailing. Now after the death of the presidential aspirations of my Democratic Party due to an Avada Kedavra spell from the Electoral Ministry, I find myself in a position where I have to avenge my political kin,” said Andrew Gillum, as Headmaster Thrasher granted 10 points - excuse us, dollars to his campaign to cast a powerful Lumos Solem spell on the Sunshine State. “If this whole ordeal wasn't difficult enough, there's some British guy named Eddie playing dress up in some fake wizardry movie. I'm Andrew Gillum. I only have time for real magic.”