In the wake of the anti-immigrant rhetoric of the Trump campaign, and following the tragic fire which killed the parents of the three Baudelaire orphans, one snivelling state senator is trying to kill two birds with one stone, which is unlike how he usually kills birds: slowly in his basement while laughing hysterically and to completion. Senator Greg Steube (R-Satan’s Scrotum) has sponsored legislation that would make undocumented students who live in and have lived in Florida for years ineligible for in-state tuition at publicly funded universities, hiking their tuition from $4,640 to a whopping $19,084. The bill has a second section making use of an old loophole in the Florida constitution which would allow him to become the legal guardian of the Baudelaire orphans, just months before the oldest, Violet, turns 18 and can collect her parents’ fortune.
“This is what my constituents want,” sneered Senator Steube as he popped the balloon of a small child with just one of his long and greasy fingernails. “Why should someone who has been living in and contributing to this state for years be allowed to benefit from the state’s government? It’s really only 900 plus of them. Besides, those dreadful, I mean, wonderful Baudelaire orphans will have their education paid for. Isn’t that what’s important: White children getting a good education?”
The Lachrymose Legislation, as it is being referred to, will successfully strike down law so obviously righteous and important that even Governor Rick Scott found a way to get over his apprehension about doing something that might actually help people, and support the legislation when it was passed a few years back. This bill is similar to one Steube sponsored as a representative last year which would have allowed guns on college campuses. It also would have given Count Steube the funds needed for him to finally break ground on his Camp Green Lake idea, where children caught committing crimes can come dig holes for him in order to build character.
The reception of the bill is mostly mixed, with the fire-starting side of the V.F.D in support, and virtually everyone else opposed. We asked nineteen random people on the street if they supported taking away undocumented students’ in-state tuition and if they were in favor of the Baudelaires taking residence with this wheezing and unhygienic excuse for a legislator. All of them happened to reply in the exact same manner: “No, of course, I don’t support those things. I’m a rational person capable of love and empathy. So, no. Fucking duh.”