13 Ways to Prepare for Christian Girl Autumn

  1. Familiarize yourself with the Starbucks rewards app!
    With so many apps nowadays, those pesky updates are always making things far too complicated. If you’re looking to have an easy start to your Christian Girl Autumn, then make sure to be cool as a cold brew when whipping out your handy digital demon in the Starby’s drive-thru.

  2. Sacrifice at least one newborn!

    Let’s face it, we all crave immortality. But with the climate cooking and air pollution pumping, our skin is struggling to retain that post-youth group glow. Worry no more, because after one newborn sacrifice you’ll be looking younger than ever. Strap in for an eternity of Christian Girl Autumns because once you go newborn sac, you can never go back!

  3. Invest in your favorite Eos lip balm!

    Whether you’re a strawberry sorbet or a blueberry acai, there’s a flavor for you. Cooler weather means drier air, so it’s best to stock up on some circular chapstick now before those lips start serving leprosy tease.

  4. Moisturize your leather riding crop!

    Dry skin is a big ‘no-no’ if you’re hoping to glow like a city on a hill, so that means keeping all your skin textures nice and supple, particularly that of your favorite fall riding crop, is especially vital. We can all agree that having an ashy leather sex whip is even more embarrassing than not having a whip in the first place.

  5. Start collecting candles early before Christmas scents drop mid-October!

    Get your Bath & Body Works freak on, girl! ‘Flannel’ and ‘Sweater Weather’ won’t be around forever.

  6. Sleep in a cemetery!

    Beauty rest is essential, especially as work and school start to pick up in the fall. So, what better a place to soak in those zzz’s than smackdab in the middle of those who’ll never wake up… for now.

  7. Remember sunblock, even on those cloudy days!

    Don’t be fooled by the cool breath of early October. Even in Christian Girl Autumn, Satan’s wrath is ever-present. This is why it’s important to carry your Hawaiian Tropic SPF 50 Silk Hydration Lotion. For the reasonable price of $18.13, you can keep your skin perfectly pale while simultaneously blocking the Devil’s flirtatious flames.

  8. Draw a circle of salt around your bed to protect from nightly visitors!

    You pretend to go to church once a week to shield yourself from damnation, but what are you doing on a daily basis? A simple circle (Eos lip balm shaped) of salt can protect you from the haters trying to interrupt your sinfully sweet sleep.

  9. Practice your best warm smokey eye!

    We don’t blame you for wanting to impress the cute boy with the catchiest anti-abortion poster. If you want to claim him and eventually get married in an old barn with a bunch of mason jar lanterns, it might be best to match your eyeshadow tones to the wedding’s “rustic” aesthetic. You know, pre-planned. Just like your children will be.

  10. Buy an agenda!

    The only way to have a perfect Christian Girl Autumn is to schedule it meticulously. It’s as simple as going to your happy place (you guessed it, Target) and choosing between agendas covered with cursive “Boss B!tch” and glitter “You Go, Girl.” Decisions, decisions!

  11. Use your agenda to better schedule weekend orgies!

    Schedule overlap is never anyone’s friend. That’s why your new agenda is the perfect solution to keeping all of your weekend festivities in order. You’ll never have to worry about a scheduling issue forcing you to choose between ‘Dungeons, Demons, and Dicks’ and ‘Pure Barre’ ever again!  

  12. Bring water to the gimp in your laundry basket!

    Remember: Water is to gimp as PSL is to “giving you life.”

  13. Add fabric softener!

    Because who can stand a stiff circle scarf, right? God bless.

The Eggplant FSU