Guy at Party With Joint Behind Ear Still Hasn’t Started Smoking It Yet


It was Saturday night and tensions were running high. As the light from the backyard firepit faded, party attendees spent their time wondering when something else was going to spark up. Lucky for them, the only guy with anything to do with weed at the function had his signature marijuana cigarette tucked away behind an ear that definitely hadn’t been swabbed clean in months. Everyone was left with the same old questions: when the hell is he going to smoke that thing? And once he finally does, can I get a hit?

“It’s like, just smoke it already,” said avid party goer and self-proclaimed weed guy Dustin Tyler as he threw back a Four Loko and brushed a rogue chip crumb off the tribal print pocket square on his t-shirt. “I swear I’ve been watching this dude for what feels like three hours now, and the closest he’s come to smoking that joint is the time he ominously flicked his lighter at my face. And like, yeah, I could have brought my own weed, but I didn’t, okay? I’m not addicted to the green god or whatever, but if I don’t get some oui’d in my system in the next fifteen minutes, I’m literally going to lose my chill.” 

“Everyone is being so nice to me tonight! I haven’t had this much fun since the time my parents paid for me and my friends to go to Burning Man,” said the man-child with all the power in the world, Trevor Green, as he moved his chewed-up fingers through his grease-ridden hair - but not to the treasure hidden behind his hearing hole. “I dropped a new SoundCloud single last month, so maybe people are finally starting to recognize me from that. I know I brought this joint with me, but I feel so good that I don’t know if I even need to smoke it to have a good time. I’m vibing so hard with everyone, and honestly, I think these people are going to be my friends for, like, forever.”

Unfortunately for everyone looking to “get litty,” it looked like that doobie was staying tucked behind that soap scum stained ear until everyone inevitably left the function to go grab some Waffle House. The crowd was going to have to wait until next weekend when they would spend their time searching for the one girl rumored to have a dab pen on her. For now, they would just have to manifest their own natural high and hope that the selfish prick who kept his stash to himself would fall off his skateboard on his ride home. 

The Eggplant FSU