Aw! Your Crush’s Girlfriend Thinks You’re Really Cool!


It’s that time of the night where everyone is starting to couple up to “split Ubers home,” and you’ve got your eye on the prize: the guy you’ve had an unrequited crush on for seven years. Just when you were thinking that tonight was going to be the night that you got lucky (a hug that lasts more than 3 seconds), surprise! Here comes your crush’s new girlfriend. She’s really drunk off a Natural Light seltzer (but not in the way you think) and thinks you are like, super cool.

“You are honestly the funniest person I’ve ever met! It’s so cool how you don’t care what other people think about you. We have got to start a Snapchat streak and get YoMo or something away from all these dumb boys!” said Raynee Skai while using one free hand to rub the outside of the love of your life’s cuffed American Eagle jeans, and the other to use iMovie to edit their two week anniversary Flipagram to the tune of “All of Me” by John Legend. “He talks about you so much, and honestly, you’re like so much prettier than I thought you were going to be! How are you still single? Girl, we have GOT to set you up!”

“I’m so glad you guys are getting along so well. I was nervous for you to meet Raynee, my girlfriend Raynee, but it seems like you’re really hitting it off! Maybe you guys should go out - haha just kidding! Can you imagine?” said man-child of your dreams, Storm Maxwell, while giving you a fist bump, and his girlfriend an orgasm. “She doesn’t have a lot of female friends because of who she is as a person, so maybe you guys can hang out and give us a break from constantly having sex all the time constantly. It’s, like, so refreshing and rare to meet someone you can connect with like we do but also are sexually attracted to. I’m glad you and I are friends enough to talk about this kind of stuff, you know, together. As friends.”

What was supposed to be a wild night of love and romance most certainly was—just not for you. Now, it’s time to blast “Somebody Else” by The 1975 and regretfully update the group chat that was really hoping it would work out for you two. All that’s left to do is to double down and fully commit to this friendship with the girl who will inevitably be the love of your crush’s life for the next three weeks. At least you can look forward to brunch this Saturday with your new gal pal! 

The Eggplant FSU