Freshman Boy Uses Same Bar of Soap for Body and Dishes


One of Salley Hall’s newest residents has found an innovative way to stay on top of the cleanliness of both his one microwave-safe bowl and himself: a single bar of Irish Spring soap. When visiting the Target on Tennessee Street with his mom almost a month ago, the overzealous freshman selected the finest soap that his mom’s Cartwheel app could find a coupon for and has since made the bar of soap his signature scent. Between cleaning up Flamin’ Hot Cheeto crumbs collected during the latest round of PC gaming and removing the sweat collected from walking outside for a single minute, this lone bar of soap has certainly had its work cut out for it.

“I thought about buying the 3-in-1 body wash for the shower, but what could be better than my all-in-one bar!” exclaimed freshman Exploratory major and future deadbeat gamer boyfriend, Kyle Loukanis. “By cutting out liquid soap, I don’t need a sponge or a loofah to keep things clean. Trust me, a bar of soap is really all you need to wash your hands, body and clean out the mug where you just whipped up your third microwaved cake of the week. My bar of soap not only keeps the single fork I need for my Easy Mac nice and clean, but it also ensures that none of the girls in my class will ever want to talk to me. What more could a guy ask for?”

Kyle’s actions have made the first month of classes a hellscape for his roommate, freshman Sports Management major, Andrew Davis. “My girlfriend lives in Cawthon Hall, so luckily, I’ve spent very little time in the dorm with Kyle. I normally only see him sleeping or watching YouTube conspiracy videos at 2 a.m., but I’m beginning to suspect that he’s been using my dishes too,” said Davis while pointing to the dishes stored under his bed in chic Ikea storage cubbies. “I normally wouldn’t be mad about that sorta thing, but last week I found a curly brown hair in my mug, and I’m blonde. I don’t want to have to put a lock on my drawers, but I’m starting to think that’s my only option. I just wish he would become a 3-in-1 guy like me.” 

In a recent roommate reassignment request filed by Davis, Loukanis’ actions were described as “inexcusable,” “disgusting” and “somehow way worse than getting sexiled.” The request is currently being considered, but the chances of a reassignment this late into the semester are very low. Though he has not expressed an opinion on the subject, Davis probably regrets the lack of detail he used when specifying the different types of soap each roommate should be expected to own. It appears as if Davis will need to ignore the negative environmental impact and switch to disposable coffee cups—or just buy his roommate a Costco pack of Suave for Men.

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