Girl Wearing “Euphoria” Makeup on the First Day of Class Is Suddenly Second-Guessing Herself


Welcome back to school, HBO subscribers! It’s been a long summer of fun, friends and getting inspired to make some bold stylistic choices — and choices they most certainly are! While the girls have been having fun gluing chunky glitter to their eyebrows in the comfort of their own homes, it’s finally time for the first day of class and the associated anxiety of having a glitter version of your zodiac constellation across your face.

“I just wanted to see what all the buzz was about. Everyone looked so cool online, with their glitter and adolescent drug use. I thought it would be fun to bring some of those looks to life to emphasize to my new classmates that I am indeed sexy — but, like, not in the way you think,” said sophomore Emily Baker as she quickly adjusted her bangs to obscure the statement sequins weighing down her eyelids. “Now that I’ve had to come face-to-face with a gaggle of Orientation Leaders wishing me a happy first day, I get why Rue and Jules were always watching their backs. I’m basically in daytime drag, and this Diffenbaugh lighting is making me wish all I had to deal with was bullying or the growing pressure to become a cam girl. I’ve never even seen “Euphoria;” I just wanted to let everyone know that I’m different. The guy at the Governor’s Square Sephora said he thought I was so brave.”

“She is brave. Brave to assume that that was a look to debut at her 9:30 a.m. Fiction Technique workshop. She said she wanted to look like Rue, but she must have gotten confused and taken inspo from that Hunger Games bitch. I’m just here for mean stories to tell my friends and the commission,” said compulsive liar and Sephora employee Darren Silver. “I'm so afraid that in an anxious attempt to wipe away her mug, one of those chunky piettes glued to her inner corners is gonna slice deep into her cornea. You want to talk about making a statement? Try losing your eye on the first day of class. That'll get the girls talking faster than any fancy liner work.”

Whether or not you’ve mooched a password from your friends to actually watch the show everyone’s fifteen-year-old cousin has been talking about, it’s safe to say that anyone can recognize that these girlies have nothing to lose, but, also, everything to lose. Sometimes, just because things are shiny doesn’t mean they’re good, which can apply to HBO’s new flagship show itself. After all, it’s time to buckle down for school, and the only former Disney star worth watching do coke is probably Miley Cyrus. 

The Eggplant FSU