Jewish Student Smears Lamb’s Blood on Test in Hopes That Angel of Failure Will Pass Over

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For the umpteenth year in a row, the holiday of Pesach has come at just the wrong time by not coinciding with spring break. Many students of the Jewish faith have had to call home to their families’ seders, feigning as much disappointment as possible at the inability to sit next to Aunt Ruth for three and a half hours. One student, however, has taken the opportunity to learn from the lessons of the Exodus. Instead of studying for her Calc II test this week, Rachel Sagal decided to cash in on some of that “G-d’s Chosen People” favor, smearing a sacrificial lamb’s blood across her copy of a test to avoid the foretold Angel of Failure.

“It was good enough for Moses, and it’s good enough for me,” smugly stated Sagal, carefully cleaning the knife which she used to slit the lamb’s throat in front of her 96 fellow classmates. “I’ll be honest, I haven’t been doing that well in Calc II this semester. As I was trying to cram for this test, I couldn’t help but think: ‘it’s gonna take an act of Adonai to save me on this one.’ That’s when I got the idea. I’m not even that devoted to the faith; I’m more ethnically Jewish than religiously, y’know? But I’ve got to tell you, going into the last week of classes with a solid 43% will make you try anything.”

“I had no idea what to do as I stared into the beady, glazed eyes of the slaughtered lamb,” quivered Dr. Thomas Ramsey, Sagal’s professor who watched in abject horror as the junior reenacted the biblical scene in the third row of HCB 102. “I had to call in Environmental Health and Safety to remove the dead animal and the test. I mean, obviously I should fail her, but... If she was willing to go full “Prince of Egypt” like that, I don’t want to know what else she’s capable of with that knife. Plus, ever since then, weird stuff has been happening to me: my car got pelted with hailstones, I keep getting attacked by grasshoppers and my oldest son has started failing all of his tests. I’m not one to try and deal with irate deities, so I just let those people go. The whole class passes the test.”

Sagal was initially summoned to face an Academic Honor Hearing for invoking the assistance of a divine being on an individual assignment, but the charge was dropped when the entire Office of Academic Integrity came down with boils. With the help of a little faith, Rachel was able to cross off her red-inked “C” and earn an 81 in the class. The only way it could have gone better for her—and the rest of her peers—is if she had just done what every other Jew in the class did and brought a mezuzah.        

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