IKEA Bookshelf Doing Everything It Can to Keep from Collapsing under Single Potted Succulent


As the first week of school trudges on, students of all social crossroads have had multiple identity crises while trying to achieve the picture-perfect college aesthetic. Whether this involves reorganizing one’s furniture after desperately binging Tidying Up or attempting a “greener” vibe through various hanging plastic plants, many found that building off of that howling wolf Redbubble tapestry they purchased after rewatching New Moon certainly wasn’t an easy feat. After two hours of building and a tearful phone call to ask Dad how to use a wrench, there was a new bookshelf that’s even more unstable than you, leaning like the Tower of Pisa after placing one potted succulent on the top shelf. 

“When I moved into my apartment complex, I thought ‘What pairs better with walls as thin as the Hadids than a bookshelf as weak and soft as the hands that built it?’” recalled junior Tori Vasquez while creating an Instagram story featuring only her prized succulent that she plucked from the Lucky’s checkout counter on a whim. “I’m aware IKEA products aren’t known for their longevity, but I’m more than comfortable living with the fear of it crushing me to death if it means this little guy can have his spotlight. It’s a little annoying that the first time I pick up botany for a plant besides weed it could result in my death, but I guess if I’m going to die for anything Tumblr made popular, it might as well be this.”

“Saying IKEA sells furniture is generous,” said IKEA’s head of customer assistance, Björksnaäs Knoxhult. “We thought it was obvious that for any bookshelf we identify as being made of ‘particleboard and hope’ would indicate that its primary use is salvaging for Pinewood Derby car materials, not compensating for everything else going on in your apartment. Our bookshelves aren’t meant to hold books, let alone potted plants, especially considering how we forget to pack at least one shelf in every kit. You could honestly follow every step of our manuals exactly and still end up with something with the structural integrity of two soggy pizza slices.”

While that $15.99 shelf may have felt like the most adult investment of your college life, there’s a reason it’s also referred to as a display case. An IKEA bookshelf may work to support that #mytuitionputmethousandsindebt aesthetic, but that furniture actually supporting something beyond the weight of air is as likely as an English major passing the entry-level chem class they accidentally forgot to switch out of during drop/add.

The Eggplant FSU