Girl Fears Things Are Moving Too Fast After Tinder Boy Asks If She’s Seeing Mitski This Wednesday

For the bored, desperate and ultimately heterosexual, Tinder is a swipe-driven amusement park of The Office quotes and self-proclaimed “entrepreneurs.” Once you’ve made it through the discomfort of first messages and tactfully responded to the inevitable “what’re you looking for on here?”, it’s finally time to hook up and have painfully vapid conversations in between. Typically, the goal is to keep it light, friendly and just disinterested enough to not seem insane. Apparently, some people haven’t figured out the formula, thinking it’s appropriate to ask if you’ll be seeing the queen of depression bops: Miss Mitski herself.

“First of all, this kid left me on read like two days before this--talk about mixed signals. Anyway, I’m grabbing my clothes and avoiding eye contact as per usual when I get an ill-timed phone call from my mom. Obviously, I ignore it, but that means he gets to hear my ringtone, 'Nobody' by Mitski, play for a solid twenty-five seconds before cutting off,” recounts junior Brianna Fisher, pausing to play the song in full and sighing with almost painful satisfaction as it ends. “I guess he thought it would make good conversation to ask if I was going to her show at The Moon on Wednesday. First of all, of course, I’m going. Second of all, it’s way too soon for the Mitski conversation. Does he want us to go together? Is he prepared to watch me sob to 'Francis Forever?' I haven’t even met his dog yet!”

“She hasn’t even met my dog, Mr. Puffernouse, yet,” laments junior Brian Abrams while mindlessly swiping right at an alarming speed. “I don’t know what I was thinking. She looked at me like I’d just proposed. Not gonna lie, I’ve only heard 'Nobody' and thought maybe she’d think I was, like, hip if I recognized her ringtone. I mean, who even has songs as ringtones in 2019? Regardless, it was a big mistake. Be honest, though: do you think that’s why she’s ghosting me?”

For those who aren’t aware by now, FSU’s very own Club Downunder is bringing the one and only Mitski to Tallahassee on April 10th for a free concert for FSU students at The Moon. That being said, the emotional stability of the student body is headed for a sharp plummet this Wednesday night. In preparation, stock up on Kleenex, block your ex’s phone number and definitely go to the show. But maybe only show up with people you trust not to judge your ugly-crying face. “Strawberry Blond” is not for the faint of heart.

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