Roommate Wants to Know If You Can Venmo Her for That Glass of Milk You Had Last Week

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Students around Tallahassee believed the last of their apartment troubles were finally  solved after they re-signed their leases and got rid of the thrice-daily emails to “Netflix, Chill and Re-sign.” However, for many, it's not the inflated rent or maintenance that took three days to fix their AC that has left them troubled and sweaty. For many, it's roommates who pride themselves on picking themselves up by their bootstraps through carefully budgeting the $1,500 a month they receive from their parents, on top of having their rent, car and phone bills already paid. Mysteriously enough, though not struggling at all for money, one of these roommates would like a little cash back for that glass of milk her roommate had last week, a commodity valued at a whopping 27 cents.

“I’m in college, which means I get to say I’m broke. It’s not because I actually am anywhere near the poverty line, but I never understood that things cost money before I turned 18. The fact that my bank account is lowered when I exchange money for goods or services means I qualify for social services, right?” questioned private-school educated Kailey Caputo, the daughter of a world-renowned heart surgeon who is still somehow your cheapest friend. “The minute I came to college, I knew I needed to learn how to be an adult and budget in order to afford eating out for every meal. I’m pretty sure that means asking my friends for every last penny they owe me while refusing to shop anywhere but Whole Foods and going out six days a week, including federal holidays.”

“Last week, she told me that her role model is Kylie Jenner because she’s entirely self-made and her sisters are all uglier than her,” noted the world’s most patient and forgiving person, Caputo’s roommate Carly Koploski. “I made the mistake of borrowing some milk one time, and now she’s convinced that I’ve slowly been stealing bits of her food each week. She told me it’s my fault that she’s had to max out three different credit cards. I’ve seen this girl quite literally flush $50s down the toilet just to see what a wet Ulysses S. Grant looks like. Yet, it’s my fault that she had to text her dad for an extra $200 this week.”

Cheapskates and spendthrifts alike know that there’s value in everything, including eight ounces of the finest milk $3 can buy. However, for roommates, colleagues or even just complete and total strangers, these types of people are the absolute banes of their existence. While millions around the world are struggling with eons worth of serious troubles, please keep these poor souls in mind on their quest for the few cents that will make absolutely no difference in their lives but that they will hassle people for anyway.

The Eggplant FSU