Woman Wears Fitbit to Party Because Every Step Counts

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With the summer months fast approaching, everyone is looking to get their beach bodies ready to inevitably sit on the couch and re-watch “Mad Men” for the fourth time instead of actually venturing outside. Lots of people will tell you their tips and tricks for dropping weight, especially the girls who hated you in high school that now want you to buy Flat Tummy Tea, but one local woman has cracked the code to trick yourself into staying fit. In an effort to look stylish and chic while making every calorie burned count, this reveler has begun wearing her Fitbit to parties.

“I have taken like 1,200 steps, and I haven’t even left the apartment. I’ve just been walking back and forth between the punch cooler and to what I hope is the bathroom line,” said Sarah Phillips, hoping that the tiny baby steps she took while drunkenly doing the Charlie Brown dance would burn off the 37 grams of sugar in her Smirnoff Ice Smash. “My heart rate is in the Fat Burn zone, and I’m feeling hot to trot. I love my Fitbit because it’s so encouraging of my decisions, thinking I walked up four flights of stairs when I really just had trouble climbing onto the counter to eat the host's chips. Exercise is easy when you’re on party drugs!”

“She is wearing a track in my floor from the amount of aggressive pacing she is doing across this 2x2. We’re not going to get our security deposit back if she doesn’t chill the fuck out,” said Erin Nickelson, the host who was visibly regretting letting Phillips into her beach-themed waltz wearing Nike trainers. “I’m honestly afraid of what’s going to happen when she hits 10,000 steps. The little buzzing on her wrist from that 2009 era piece of plastic might send her into a full-on episode. It’s 2 a.m., and she is in a complete sweat. She may as well just save money on the Uber and run home if she’s that serious about sustaining an elevated heart rate.”

As any rehab program will tell you, every step counts. The same goes when it comes to staying physically fit while poisoning all of your organs with sugar and liquor. With every step you take to fight your way into a conversation with the guy you like or to just find your friend that got swallowed up in a conga line, that’s one more step toward well-being. So, strap on your Fitbit tight enough to cut off blood flow to your fingers and get to dancing!

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