Paleontology Grad Students Caught Excavating the Campus Construction Zone
FSU’s “Beautification” initiative of its ungracefully aging campus is underway, and just as anyone who has seen the first twenty minutes of “The Princess Diaries” should know makeovers need an ugly broad to make pretty. While the campus construction eyesores have been easy deterrents for seasoned students and timid tour groups alike, the lack of attention paid to the jagged sand-pits has drawn in a slippery student group obsessed with boning--and this time not the ASLC staff.
Paleontology grad students, known to their friends and enemies as the biggest boners on campus, were caught by a rookie FSU P.D. officer, who reported that he never meant to even go near the construction zone-turned-excavation site. “I was just chasing some campus squirrels I thought might be selling weed to students, as per usual, and right before I could grab the jittery bastard, I was sliding down into this rocky pit filled with kids in night goggles and hard hats,” reported Officer Dewey Dorfman while attempting to give a hero’s burial to the tactical pocket acorns he lost on the fateful ride via the dirt slip and slide. “If those mangey kids hadn’t used their 1970s-era excavation tools to help pull me out of the sinkhole that opened all the way up, much like my big ol’ mouth when I see squirrels eating fries from the trash cans, I would have been absolutely obliterated! Good to know those bystander intervention programs that make up for our incompetence have paid off.”
“We were just trying to snag some goodies for class. Our teachers are constantly bragging about how much fun the 70s were before people started getting serious about trespassing and destruction of property. I yearn for the days when you could just get drunk and start digging,” commented Dan O’Sore as he furiously picked at a piece of concrete from Oglesby Union that he was convinced was some eroded pelvic joint of a Spinosaurus. “We were hoping to find something cool like still intact mammoth teeth, but all we found were Four Loko cans that still had the pop tabs attached. Maybe this debunks the myth that freshmen of years past were more aggressive with their shotguns? I don’t know. I just want my professor to say he’s proud.”
Now that this gang of dino delinquents has been found out, their underground adventures have temporarily been stunted. But don’t lose hope that an unearthed thigh bone of a Neanderthal might provide enough funding to actually finish the seemingly eternal construction. These local gold diggers have teamed up with anthropology grad students to propose a more formal request to administrators to allow for a campus-wide exploration of the abandoned steam tunnels. Hold tight to the fantasy that some FSU grad student might “Brendan Fraser it up” and for FSU to suck up their academic achievements like the cute Mummy did to that one guy in maybe the second movie!