South Floridian Student Admitted to ICU After Becoming Lightheaded From Walking Uphill


It’s shocking that some Georgia hick would feel more at home in Tallahassee than literally anyone else from Florida, yet with a higher amount of hills than people, and temperatures below freezing, northern Florida seems to be a far greater environmental shift than most Florida kids will encounter in their entire lives. Trying to estimate how many moronic students accidentally started rolling backward down a hill while waiting at a stop light would outnumber those still upset over the lack of Spongebob's "Sweet Victory" playing at the Mediocre Bowl. Many find themselves underestimating the terror of walking up Suwannee Hill, which has a higher death rate than hiking Mount Everest. One of its newest victims, who passed out at the foot of the nearly vertical slope, has now been confirmed to be doing "just a little okay," suffering from extreme exhaustion paired with lightheadedness due to supposedly thin oxygen.

“The air feels super thin here, especially on top of that hill. It's definitely a few thousand feet above sea level," shared the victim of the incident, Patricia Perry, a resident of Boca Raton, as she laid in a hospital bed, reading a pamphlet about FSU's Climbing Club. “Who knew that the conditions this far north could be so brutal! Now that I know I’m gonna be more than ready. I’ve signed myself up for step-aerobics classes and hired a personal trainer who solo-hiked the Appalachian Trail. It may seem like a lot but I now realize that I was in no way prepared for the truly hazardous conditions that are the hills of Tallahassee. They beat me once, but I won’t let that happen ever again!” Following this, she scooped up her laptop and began searching ‘hiking equipment’ on Amazon.

“What's the big deal? There’s nothing as exhilarating as hitting triple-digit speeds on a longboard, zooming downhill and not sure if I'll even survive because I don't have a helmet on," exclaimed Perry's roommate, Christina Godard, as she shoveled scoops of a stolen cup of hospital-branded Jello into her mouth. Godard had been present at the time of the incident and had accompanied Perry to the ICU. "We were walking uphill when Patricia just collapsed. Her breath was crazy short and she was really out of it, and when I realized her South Florida breeding could never have prepared her for something like an actual hill, I immediately called 911. You come to take things for granted until you see just what someone unprepared for them may go through.”

While many still remain at odds over the hazard posed by the hills found on campus, even more, people are standing up to remind those in disagreement that you can’t get rid of hills, period. This may become one of the worst points of controversy in all of Florida State’s history and will not be remembered with anything more than an embarrassed shake of the head.

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