Freshmen Cannibalize Seniors with More Credits to Get Reasonable Housing on Campus
A group of freshmen was found yesterday using tactics borrowed from the kid on their floor who thinks he’s a wolf to systemically hunt and consume seniors. FSU believes these hooligans were motivated by eliminating competition in the digital housing line, but true intentions may exist beyond this. FSU Alert reports that they’ve captured one freshman, driven into madness and cannibalization by having to find off-campus housing, but caution the rising senior class that there are at least twenty more savages actively looking to get even just a corner of the boiler room in Ragans Hall, no matter the cost in dollars or blood. Failure to adhere to these warnings may result in being ambushed. Despite just being mauled, one victim was brave enough to share his story.
“My life truly flashed before my eyes when that kid tried to take my liver — and my 4-2 in Ragans,” explained senior Bradley Bishops as the paramedics struggled to retrieve his stolen intestines from a freshman growing more powerful with two (2) additional credit hours. “College is all about narrowly avoiding death and laughing about it later with friends. But honestly, even if I have my middle finger gnawed off, it’s all good because I'm guaranteed a spot no matter what. I could wait until the day before school ends and still get a prime spot in Traditions. Getting a stomach ulcer from taking nine AP classes in high school really paid off! ”
“The housing lottery is against rising sophomores like me and this is the true path to a good housing number,” commented freshman and future feature on a "48 Hours" episode, Matthew Patel, while restrained in a stockade. “The housing portal told me that I could pick my room 200 years from now. Someone else told me their portal just displayed a giant '¯\_(ツ)_/¯.' This is why I had to join my brothers and sisters against the system. Honestly? Eating people was an add-on to the revolution and is only meant to help us absorb their credit hours. We solve our shitty meal plan problem and the housing problem too!”
While freshmen still run rampant across campus, the problem is expected to come to a close once University Housing decides how to best shove every upperclassman into the four remaining rooms in Degraff and Broward. The process is messy but is expected to resolve itself soon. Rising seniors looking for housing are encouraged to take shelter in the brick fortress that is Doak Campbell Stadium. All you need is an FSU ID, the weapon of your choice and rations (BYOR, if you will) if you would like to be included in the snack stockpile.