Boyfriend Prepping Early to Be a Disappointment on Valentine’s Day

Well, you horny little mongrels, it’s that time of year again. The putrid odor of all the people with actual social skills is in the air once again. For those comfortable enough in their relationships to just enjoy being in each other’s company, the lead-up to the made-up holiday centered around buying overpriced chocolates, roses and condoms can be enjoyed stress-free. For those of us like FSU's own Leo Budgie, however, a lot of planning is necessary. In fact, Budgie has been working non-stop this entire school year to be a total let down on Valentine's Day.

“No, you guys don't get it. My girlfriend said she didn't want to do anything big this year, so that's definitely what she really wants,” reported Budgie, not even looking up from his game of Tony Hawk Pro-Skater 3. “I've got a plan though. I'm not an asshole. We're gonna just chill at home and kick back some brewskis. She'll make us some dinner and then we'll watch some Bill Burr on Netflix. Who doesn't love a little comedy to spice things up? Then, since it's V-Day, maybe she'll let me try some butt stuff on her. Sounds like a perfect low-key night to me. I'm getting it all ready early this time around so I don't have to improvise like last year.”

“Are you fucking serious? Of course I want to actually do something on Valentines Day!” ranted Jessica Ryner, Budgie's girlfriend of two years, who's dating him more out of pity than anything else at this point. “How thick is Leo's skull that he doesn't get how to plan a simple date? Do you want to know what we did last year? Picture the exact same plan again but with Louis C.K. It took almost the rest of the year since then for me to convince him that Louis is not deserving of redemption. God, he is such a fucking disappointment.”

It's said that preparation makes the best plans, but maybe Budgie should have planned to be single very soon instead. Whether you're single or with someone this year, fret not over having the perfect date night. Just know that you're probably having a better time than Jessica Ryner.

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