“I Guess I Just like the Attention,” Said the Jerk Whose Alarm Goes off Every Day in Lecture

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Every MWF, right in the middle of the lecture, the idiot student who forgot to hit “stop” instead of “snooze” for a random alarm relishes in the crumbs of surly attention from the class. How do we know this student gets an absolute rush off of hearing “hey asshole shut it off” and the several tens of glares from their fellow classmates, you ask? Well, this very same unsexy little devil has reached out to the Eggplant FSU to expose themselves: true to their addictive need for negative attention.

“I’ve used just about every excuse in the book to have my phone alarm go off during my bio lecture. Birth control reminder so everyone knows I’m getting laid once every two months, homework assignment submission times, putting AM instead of PM; it’s getting… tiring!” admitted Tatiana McLean, a bubbly, first-round-of-sorority-recruitment reject who spent the majority of the interview she forced us to conduct posting selfies for her 67 Instagram followers. “Why should everyone listen to our old fart of a professor speak about mitochondria for two hours when they could be admiring my new highlight and lipstick? Sure, the edges of my mouth look like they’re bleeding a little because I didn’t have the hand-eye coordination to get those clean, precise lines that everyone knows make or break your dark, matte lip, but that doesn’t mean people shouldn’t still be looking at me? Listen, honey,” huffed McLean to our very busy, very preoccupied staff, “any attention is good attention.”

“It’s ridiculous that she feels she needs any more attention. Miss Mclean sits there at the back of my lecture hall and gossips with all two of her friends while I’m trying to teach. They think I don’t see them talking about my chipped nail polish, but I do. And it really fucking hurts,” said a very busy, very tired and very overworked, Professor Krews. “And for those who can’t see her sitting there in the back, I see that girl whip out her phone a whole minute before her alarm goes off. Every. Single.Time. Now, I’d rather not say I’m accusing her of deciding she’s bored and wants to gain some of the attention her two friends clearly aren’t giving her, but at the same time, I definitely am. Professors are allowed to hate their students. We’re all over the age of 18. It’s perfectly legal.”

In spite of her endless attempts to plug her massively influential Insta-spam account for “Tiny Tummy Detox Tea,” she’s also trying to launch her new twitter account! Mclean made sure we knew the Eggplant’s #newsfeed would be #blessed if we hit her with a follow back. When asked if staunch loneliness and a budding inferiority complex made her act like a damn fool, she said no, and laughed just a little too hard as she proceeded to inform us that “{We’re} not even funny! Omg.” Her alarm promptly went off after she played uncomfortably on her phone for a little bit. Her parting words were “later losers,” and that she “obviously had plans.”  

The Eggplant FSU