Student Dismayed That 1000-Level Online Class Requires Any Assignments At All

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As we enter the fifth week of the semester without any hurricane breaks, many students are finding themselves in turmoil after realizing that school does, in fact, move on continuously. More students, however, are coming to the realization that their classes require weekly discussion boards, two exams and an extra credit assignment that they'll probably end up ignoring until the end of the semester. For senior Perry Henriquez, who enrolled in HFT 1100, more commonly known as “International Cigars with a Sprinkle of Internal Reflection.” Thinking this would be easier than his third grade cursive assignments, Henriquez has somehow managed to miss literally every discussion board thus far as he thought that the “assignments” tab on Canvas was there only a formality.

“God, now you’re gonna tell me the 'Files' tab has actual files in it,” lamented Henriquez after taking a brief tour of his course’s Canvas. He discovered that this level 1000 course did, in fact, actually have traditional class requirements for passing. “Come to find out, this class involves everything from office hours, during which students can share a thoughtful, meditative cigar sesh with the professor, to an announcements page reminding students to only order the class approved cigars.”

“The discussion boards are graded entirely on completion and the two exams are more of a test on whether or not the student is breathing than their knowledge of international cigars,” said Henriquez's professor, Dr. Poderick Frankel, while giving every student extra credit for remembering to enroll in the class. “If I’m being completely transparent here, my multimillion dollar cigar business made me super rich and got me tenure at this university, so I could care less if any of these kids leave my class even the slightest bit more knowledgeable. You see, I’m untouchable to the university admins. You hear me? Untouchable.”    

Despite the fact that Henriquez spent the next hour researching “which pretentious dead people smoked” on Google, he only managed to write the word “the” in the $9 journal he bought from the bookstore. Even still, he received full credit as if he did complete the assignment. Unfortunately, this is the only assignment that Henriquez completed so far this semester, meaning he will have to smoke two entire Cubans without throwing up in order to pass the class.

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