Local Dork Petitions Modern Languages Department to Add Klingon Courses to Spring Catalog

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French, Spanish, Arabic, Hebrew or Italian; sometimes it feels like you just have way too many options when it comes to foreign language classes offered at FSU. Students whose only exposure to multiculturalism had been repeating the phrase: “El burro es grande” for all four years of high school often feel overwhelmed by the numerous choices of courses from the Department of Modern Languages. But for overachiever, conlanger, Duolingo whiz-kids like Eugene Shatner, the collection is mere childsplay. Realizing there was a need to validate FSU’s often overlooked non-STEM nerd community, Shatner petitioned the Department of Modern Languages to add a full set of Klingon classes to the Spring 2019 catalog.   

“FSU already boasts a number of highly unconventional courses which students take in hope of having the best conversation starter and the easiest-to-achieve A. If we can learn about how Sumerians wrote about copper deliveries on clay tablets, then we should be able to learn about why Spock doesn't know how to show emotions,” pointed out Shatner as he pet his stuffed tribble and frantically scribbled verbs and participles in a notebook with "Segh nab" on the cover. “But they don’t encourage constructed linguistics? Nerd culture is still culture, and deserves praise and acknowledgement not erasure.”

“To be honest, I’m not really sure what a 'Klingon' is,” admitted Joyce Clay, the administrative professional for the Modern Languages Department, as she stamped “REJECTED” and threw the proposal onto a pile of other course suggestions, including History of Runescape: Old School Era and Mana-gement: Game Theory Through the Lens of Magic: The Gathering. “At first, I thought it might be one of those little spiky pollen balls that get stuck to your pant legs, but through context clues I figured that that didn’t make much sense. But after a quick Google search, I realized that this Shatner kid is probably way more of a dweeb than he looks, and that’s saying something.”        

Despite there being oddly specific and ridiculous courses like The Rise and Fall of Dubstep: 2010 to 2013 and Raining Cats and Dogs: A Look Into the scientific Anomaly of Animals Falling From Above, Shatner’s proposal was shot down by the department because the registrar’s office is full of Star Wars fans. This, however, has not stopped the begrudged trekkie from trying to garner support for another petition in the Fall of 2019. He has been seen at the campus UPS store printing posters and picking up T-shirts bearing the image of a Vulcan salute and the words “More useful than Latin.”

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