Entrepreneurship Major Forms Parking Space Reservation Startup

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At this point in the school year, it's a given that parking on campus will always be hell on wheels and often becomes a vehicular, off-brand prequel to the Hunger Games that no one asked for. Finding a spot at 9:50 a.m., exactly 10 minutes before class qualifies you to be one of two things: either a parking garage wizard with a +20 luck stat or finally caving and auctioning off your soul to a dark parking deity with a vengeance. And if contributing to Global Warming by circling around the same three floors is not annoying and day-ruining enough, one business-minded butthead has decided to make this phenomenon all the more common with a capitalistic twist.

“It’s not like there’s a rule book against hoarding eighteen different parking spots at 9 a.m. in Traditions Garage. Parking is always a hot and sexy commodity and that's whose peak season is always, so I'll definitely be capitalizing off this loophole until I graduate as a fifth-year senior, with a minor in ‘my parents never disciplined me as a child,’” said commercial entrepreneurship major Garrett Plonk while planking horizontally on two adjacent spots. “I created a startup called 'Stand Buy Me™,' which aims to meet this demand for disgustingly limited parking space by employing criminally underpaid finance majors looking for ways to boost their resume as designated human traffic cones. Besides, the target cash cows are the rich assholes who can afford apartments within walking distance anyway.”

“This hobby started as a way to save spots for my friends who were always late, but had never been told the definition of ‘consequences.’ The rush of giving someone false hope when they saw an 'empty' spot became a way of life,” remarked Paisleigh Park, one of Plonk’s recent hires, while doing the worm on a spot as a line of irate vehicles approached from the nearest ramp. “Getting paid to wreak havoc on everyone's schedules and feelings is a pretty sweet gig. I'm only doing this until I can afford to buy my mom's 2004 Toyota Camry. To be honest, if I was strapped for time while driving around in that shitwagon,  I'd be pretty pissed if I saw some girl in pajamas planking on a spot. Parking at this school is all about survival of the fittest, sweatiest and most willing to almost hit a pedestrian. ”

So, imagine this: you're rounding the corner of Spirit Way and see the holy grail of all spaces; golden lights fall onto this spot and angelic music from your radio is playing in the background. As you put the pedal to the medal, you nearly crash as you realize it's…already occupied by a person sitting there? Unfortunately, this is a reality that FSU students without generational wealth will have to face every day until Stand Buy Me™ goes out of business. Luckily for the student body, Plonk has never actually handled money before, so he is likely to be indicted for fraudulent expense reports in the upcoming future. Until then, parking spots will be reserved for those willing to pay a large portion of their Dad’s allowance or those willing to kill a man.

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