Presumptuous Junior in Your Chem 1 Lecture Just Wants You to Know He’s “Got You”

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College is many things: a fresh start, a learning experience, and the best years of many people’s lives. But it’s also very stressful in ways that many don’t expect. For many, the combination of living on your own for the first time and having to balance big boy classes with every one of your RA’s inane and ridiculous activities can feel overwhelming. That is, unless you have a personal guardian angel. Some find this person in a significant other, some find them in a helpful professor, but for you, they are found in Craig, the scraggly junior who sits next to you in CHM 1045.

Now, to be clear, you never asked Craig for anything. In fact, you would’ve been completely unaware of his existence if he hadn’t over-confidently strolled over-confidently through the doors of Fisher Lecture Hall, somehow causing them to make more noise than they already do. And let’s be real, you’re a prepared student. You're smart; General Chemistry 1 will be a breeze. But that didn't stop the heroic Craig from leaning over to you and saying, “Don't worry about this class, I got you.” Fight or flight is a strong reflex. When you felt this TKE reject lean into your personal bubble and whisper this vague remark, which might also be a threat, you feel your legs immediately tense up. You rack your brain for all the possible meanings of his cryptic message, as the words echo in your head.

“I got you.”

Is this about drugs? You’ve never done a drug. Even if you wanted to, you wouldn't be getting them from this poor man’s Ashton Kutcher. Does he have dirt on you? Is he going to extort you lest he reveal his knowledge of the one sip of cheap wine that your roommate forced you to illegally try? Probably not, he doesn’t seem like he would put that much effort into anything. No, it’s probably something about the class. You don't need any help, though. Chem 1 is supposed to be pretty easy. Unless… does he plan on helping you cheat? That’s against academic policy. Should you tell the professor that this ne'er do-weller is trying to besmirch the good name of Florida State University?

As your panic continues to grow, you focus in and realize you’ve missed the extremely important section on the grading scale. Fucking Craig. The only “getting you” he’s done is like, how… you know, like in the prank sense. Through your rage, you find the strength to pull out the big guns, your catch-all response. You turn back to Craig and with a single chuckle muster, “Heh, yeah thanks.” Nice save, kid.  

The Eggplant FSU