Oglesby Union Still Open If You Aren’t a Milquetoast Coward


Crenshaw Lanes might have made its way to freedom early this summer, but the half-roused skeleton of the Union still stands half sunk in an ungodly amount of rubble that’s only there to remind us of the biggest tragedy to strike this campus since the Squirrelnado of 2010. To anyone with eyes and a sense of self-preservation, the Oglesby Union is closed and boarded up to trespassers. To anyone who promptly decided they’d be living on the edge after accidentally enrolling in a 4000-level business calculus class (I’m looking at you, Heather), it’s a vast playground where you can work out all your funky little kinks.

Roderick Greene, an ex-Orientation Leader who had a fallout with the campus policy against teaching new students about Godless Shuffleboard and Hyper-Beer Pong during a "secret" orientation activity, has surfaced into relevancy once more. This time, Greene's garnet and gold stripes have been tied to a series of Seminole Pies related heists through the rubble and smell of burning plastic that fill the corpse of the Union. "I mean, you could just walk around the building. But I'm not some sad little man with an inferiority complex. I work for my mediocre pizza," said Greene as he attempted to scurry up the fence like one of the burly on-campus squirrels. “I refuse to be one of you sheep! The union may be gone, but my dignity isn’t!”

This line of thought has brought nothing if not a terrifying amount of moxie and absolute disregard for common sense to the new first years on campus, who can be found trailing behind Roderick like ducklings imbued with all the spirit of Johnny Knoxville. “Look, I just don’t want the upperclassmen calling me out as a new guy. I already have to keep my lanyard tucked into my shirt to save face,” said Justin Young as he massaged his shoulders. When asked why Justin let Roderick use his body as a human stepladder to reach a particularly high rung on the fence instead of walking literally two feet around it, Justin only (struggled to) shrug. “If a guy this cool is doing it, maybe I’ll get enough street cred to get into a Pike party.”

A small crowd had gathered around the construction anarchist and his eventual lower-middle tier frat star accomplice. At the top, Rodrick made a series of gestures accompanied by a final cry of “Learn! Adapt! Overcome!” as he landed face first on the concrete with an incredibly brave thunk. Justin laughed along with the small crowd Rodrick had drawn, but not without making sure l frat daddy onlookers did first.  

The Eggplant FSU