English Major with No Finals Just Wants Everyone to Know How Great Her Life Is Going

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Buckle up kids, it’s that time of year when the Starbucks in Strozier runs out of flat lids and ice cubes at 11 AM and a familiar look of impending doom is plastered on the faces of every barely-sentient being on campus. That’s right, folks – it’s finals season and FSU students are doing everything in their sleep-deprived power to make sure that it goes off without a hitch by dedicating hours upon hours to staring at their laptop screens with only weak coffee and a whisper of a dream. The hysteria of semester’s end, however, has not plagued every soul on campus. For FSU sophomore Jessica Cantelly, the stress of finals barely goes skin deep.

“I’m not rubbing in the fact that I’m a Lit major and don’t have to take any finals, it’s just that I’m trying to spread all of my positivity to the soulless zombies bringing down the campus morale every day. It’s draining,” said Cantelly while sunbathing on the frighteningly deserted fields of Landis Green, accompanied only by the echo of a dog bark and her own shadow. “I may be leaving a week before everyone else, but I still have plenty of things to be stressed about. I have eight papers due within two days of each other, I had to wait a whole six minutes in line to return my textbooks and my roommate won’t stop crying in the middle of the night which is really throwing off my circadian rhythms. It’s madness.”

Not everyone in Cantelly’s life has been reacting warmly to her attempts at spreading a sense of zen among her classmates. Fellow sophomore Jon Bowden had a few words to say regarding his friend’s attitude. “Just because she had a few dozen essays to write doesn’t mean she can relate to how the rest of us are feeling,” Bowden said with a snarl as he proceeded to print his chemistry study guide on paper towels after running out of his fourth paper ream. “Even though the only essay I’ve written in college was my ENC research paper on cryptocurrency, I bet that I could do everything she does. How hard could it be? I’m a STEM major, by the way.”

As the massive weight of finals makes its way onto the shoulders of a majority of college campuses this upcoming week, it is vital for students to remember that everyone – whether they have exams or not – is feeling the pressure as the semester wraps itself up. With all of that considered, don’t forget that self-care and time management are incredibly important for keeping high spirits throughout the chaos, as well as the occasional therapeutic cry session. The light at the end of the tunnel is getting closer and closer. That is, of course, unless you hate yourself enough to take summer classes.

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