Seven High Pieces of Shit Finally Manage to Complete Chinese Delivery Order
There are still, like, 30 weeks left in this goddamn semester and Hell is inches from freezing over. Maybe you also woke up this morning and poured coffee in your dinosaur eggs oatmeal. One group of friends has been gripping each other tightly for support in these last trying weeks. They got together late Thursday evening to hang out, relax, mack on that reefer and spend over two hours navigating the ordering process for their favorite Tallahassee Chinese food.
“If I don’t get absolutely bleefed and choke on two pounds of Mongolian tofu tonight, I'm throwing a spear into the sky to pierce God’s black heart,” stated Amanda Meyer, the host of the group’s weekly movie night. Everyone met up at Amanda’s house with their own ounce of weed, unwilling to risk becoming anything less than apocalyptically high. Whenever someone arrived, the friends all yelled, hugged and wept briefly at no one thing in particular. Nobody actually said words for the first hour of the hang, but they didn’t need to; their shrieks and screams of abject misery were as sun to leaves. Eventually, someone reinvented language and rasped “Taaaaaaaan’s,” raising hackles on the high pieces of shit to the ceiling. Everyone pulled out their phones hesitantly.
In times of crisis, there is typically one person who steps up and fulfills a leadership role. This did not happen, and the resulting power vacuum led to everyone telling their order to the person sitting to their right. “Ok I heard a few of those, lets try that again but one at a time telephone style,” said Roxanne with the confidence of A Sober. After several unsuccessful rounds of the telephone game, Amanda’s cat stepped on the remote which changed the input on the tv and reminded the friends they had to use technology to accomplish their mission. Roxanne pulled up the online menu but got distracted and popped open a bottle of wine, unhinged her jaw and swallowed the bottle whole. Kyle shouted his order to Amanda but he was in the bathroom ripping ass on the gravity bong he made in the toilet so no one could hear.
Tiffany was now the least high, so she managed to Google the phone number and dial it in. All holding hands together, they looked at Tiffany like grateful hatchlings in a nest and told her their orders. A nervous quiet fell over the room as they watched Tiffany stumble over the word “szechuan” five times. After 20 minutes the order was complete. “We’ll venmo you,” they all lied.